Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Post-Traumatic Election Blues

Well, it's November 4th and the long, hard slog to the election is finally over. Now comes the hard part of keeping the peace. What that means at Arkham is they'll be sedating us and putting us all back into our cells...not to mention me losing my internet privileges. So there IS good news for some of you out there.

Now as we settle in with whichever Fearless Leader fate has thrown our way, just one final public service announcement. Nothing you can say or do will change the outcome of this election now. So rather than annoy 50% of the country with your bitching and moaning (and you know who you are), why not try this:



Good night Arkham, good night outside world and do come again. Or not.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Thursday, October 9, 2008

2008 Campaign Issues for Dummies

For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there's welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. has released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, "Campaign Issues for Dummies". Using familiar icons as chapter headers, you'll be able to quickly locate the issue of your choosing. Read, be informed and remember to VOTE.


Job Outsourcing




If you live in a region heavy in manufacturing, then that sucking sound Ross Perot warned you about in 1992 is what you HEARD a few years ago as all your jobs relocated to Mexico. That sound you heard in 2000 was all the high tech service jobs relocating to India. The sound you hear NOW is the sound jobs in the financial and auto manufacturing sectors being sucked down a blackhole. The next sound you will hear is the WHOOSH of low-wage food service jobs rushing in to fill the void.

If you are a voter concerned about job creation versus job outsourcing, then you should select a candidate with no ties to Big Business, Ivy League schools, Old Money or Secret Societies.

If you are a voter unopposed to globalism, who keeps money in offshore accounts, and neither has nor needs a job, you should select a candidate based solely on the tax-breaks and their unabashed agenda of appeasement of the rich

If you are a voter who has learned Spanish as well as perfected the art of cooking with cumin, you should select a candidate with enough global vision not to wear out America's welcome before you get there.

Military Spending

If you are a voter who doesn't mind spending $8.9 billion on a missile defense system that doesn't work, then you should select the candidate with the highest gullibility factor.

If you are a voter who thinks that defense spending should be drastically cut, you should select the candidate with the LEAST amount of travel in the 3rd World.

If you are active duty military, reserves or national guard, on your third tour in a combat zone with dependents on food stamps and eating canned spinach, you should vote out the incumbent as a warning to the rest.



Education


If you are an Ivy-League educated voter with a child in private school, you should vote for the candidate who favors spending taxpayer money on vouchers for private schools that keep out the riff-raff.

If you are a voter with children in public school, you should vote for the candidate who favors increased education spending without accountability or performance goals.

If you are a teacher, you should consider a second job, and select the candidate who went to public schools and state college.



Medicare



If you fall into the 18-34 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who declines using this issue to raise your taxes.

If you fall into the 35-65 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who guarantees that Medicare won't go completely broke by 2019.

If you fall into the 65 and up demographics, you should apply for Canadian citizenship.


Gun Control





If you are an avid fan of the 2nd Amendment, you should join the NRA and vote for the candidate they tell you. Afterall, they've got all the guns

If you're an advocate for gun control, you should stay out of redneck bars in Montana and vote for whomever Michael Moore endorses.

If you're more of a pragmatist than a single-issue voter, you should vote AGAINST any candidate that makes this a hot button issue. But, keep your head down.


War on Terror




If you believe the United States has a moral obligation to lead the fight in the War on Terror, even if it means acting unilaterally, then you should select the candidate with a "shoot-from-the-hip" attitude who is most likely to "smoke 'em out and get 'em running," without the need for time-consuming activities such as "good planning."

If you believe the United States should work and cooperate with other nations to sustain steady pressure, including military action, on rogue nations who support and sponsor terrorism, without getting over-extended, then you should select the candidate with the most actual combat experience.

If just want to end this thing by any means necessary, so that no terrorist organization would dare attack U.S. targets again for fear of a fate worst than death, you should select the candidate with organized crime ties.




Wartime Leadership




If you are a voter who finds it comforting to have a leader during wartime that reminds you of the your rich, spoiled fraternity brother you really couldn't count on, you should select the candidate who has lost the most brain cells due to substance abuse.

If you are a voter who favors decisive, informed leadership through the darkest times, and the ability to abandon failed policies in favor of new, adaptive strategies, while enduring the prolonged uncertainty and stress of war, you should select a candidate with P.O.W. experience.

If you are a voter that favors world domination during the post-war reconstruction, you should select a multi-billionaire megalomaniac industrialist with extensive monopoly experience.


Same Sex Unions


If you are a voter who feels that another people's personal rights somehow cheapen your own, and advocate adding a 28th Amendment which (unlike most other amendments) works to limit personal liberties, then you should vote for the candidate furthest right on the zealot scale.

If you are a voter who believes that the "granting of rights" is the primary purpose of an amendment, and are not diminished in any way by the personal lives of others, you should select a candidate with relatives who lead alternative lives.

If you are a voter reluctant to express your personal convictions either way for fear of mob violence, vote AGAINST any candiate who makes this a hot-button issue.

The Environment



If you are a voter who advocates the wholesale destruction of any environmental object that stands in the way of industrial progress and your ability to secure sufficient oil supplies to meet the needs of your Hummer, you should select a candidate who can skillfully misinterpret scientific data, and has the most inclination to arbitrarily adjust environmental standards.

If you are a voter who feels strongly about the preservation of the environment, and desire legislation to outlaw the exploitation of wilderness areas for any reason, you're out of luck. You should have supported Kucinich when you had the chance.

If you are a pragmatist who seeks balance between technology and nature, you should select a candidate who is NOT from a large east or west coast urban area.

If you’re an analytical sort who questions the real significance of global warming when faced with possible reduced sunspot activity, you’re too damned smart to vote for any of these clowns.




Monday, September 29, 2008

The Joker's Views: Political Bumper Stickers


Good evening Arkham! As we head into the final month of campaigning before we select our preferred method of Apocalypse, I think it is vital that we fully understand just how thoroughly screwed we are! From what I can gather from the outside world, the stock market plunged 777 plus points today, and the economy is so banged up, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen is asking Congress to have it “humanely put-down”. I guess he figures he'll at least get a "dead cat bounce" out of the whole thing.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan not only expressed his exuberant delight at being “retired”, but also speculated that even gravity is going to be out of work before this is all over. That explains the hundreds of Wall Street execs jumping off buildings now to beat the slowdown.

Be that as it may, all you people who are currently not incarcerated still have to vote. All the arguments about who is and who is not fit to lead and/or be vice-President remind me of the scene in “Julius Caesar" where Anthony and Octavius argue about the suitability of the “older” Lepidius. I overheard them talking about it down by the rec room just this morning:

"Yeah, well, you can think what you want, but Lepidius is a tried and true solider, and dependable.”

"So's my freaking horse! And all he gets is hay and a pasture to run around in. Why don't we just make him part of the ruling council, too?"


And the debate goes on. Likewise, in a rush to reflect the voter’s newly emerging concerns about which candidate gets to take over the asylum, a new crop of political bumper stickers are hitting the market. Perot had one ready to go months ago...unfortunately he was in HERE and not considered a legitimate contender. But, I think his bumper sticker suggestion, “That sucking sound you hear is you, Sucker!” is a sure winner...unlike him in 1996. But the world just wasn’t ready for Yosemite Sam for president back then. Now that the Age of Jethro is almost over, who knows...perhaps Perot might still find himself the Master-Blaster over whatever wasteland is left after the financial dust settles. But, really, who WANTS to run Barter Town after all that? There won't be anything left to barter with....AH, HA, HA, HAAAA!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Joker's Fuse: Countdown to Oblivion


We’re finally back at Arkham after being evacuated to New Orleans in front of hurricane Gustav. They called it a “vacation”, thinking that shipping us INTO the danger zone might serve as a little attitude adjustment. You can imagine Aquaman’s disappointment when the storm veered west. He’s a swimming fool. I really do believe that big Cajun could have escaped in the storm surge if Gustav had hit, but he certainly can’t walk very far. And I’m a little skeptical about him being able to talk to fish, but who am I to hold being an Obama supporter against him? Enough about us, how was YOUR holiday?


In politics, this election season is about as lucid and comprehendible as an episode of “LOST”. So far, it’s been a good, a bad and an ugly week for McCain at the convention. First the good: General Zod is out and the shape-changing Mystique a.k.a. Sarah Palin is in as his running mate, milking the angst created by the DNC like snake venom. The Democratic Convention was like a mummy pissing gasoline…the fuse was just hanging out there anyway, and all it took was one, little spark…


So what if Palin has some “personal” family issues? I had family issues, and look how well I turned out, so please go on. She’s embroiled in an investigation involving the firing of a public safety commissioner ? Ooooo, a take charge kind of woman, plus everybody likes a little intrigue. So far so good. She fishes, shoots guns and wrestles moose. Yeah, baby, there’s just no downside to this Sarah Palin. AH, HA, HA, HA, HAAA!


Now, the bad: that public safety commissioner says he was fired for failing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Zod would have torn him limb from limb, so at least she’s a “compassionate conservative”. But it’s still not going to play too well in the union states. She also left the small town she was mayor of $20 million in debt. Big deal, they can always move and, yes, Bush economic policies are no longer a deal killer after the past 8 years. But Bush’s approval rating is such a drag, Eddie Murphy tried to pick it up last night. Better release Bush directly to DVD during the convention.


Finally, the ugly: after preparing to suspend much of the convention in lieu of photo-ops from a devastated New Orleans, Gustav shrunk and dodged like a drunk sailor seeing Anne Rice in the light for the first time. Suddenly, we’re back to, “Bush, you’re on in 5-4-3-2-1….ACTION. And somebody change Cheney’s plutonium battery, he’s on next.” Rather than diverting direct questions about Palin by being cloaked in a disaster, McCain’s handlers now have to answer every question with, “That’s a personal matter, but let me tell ya, she’s more qualified than Obama.”


This still distracts from the fact that the vetting process is looking a little shaky, kind of like a last minute date before prom night. “Hello, Condi, wanna be my date? No? Well, screw you, I’m taking a REAL fox.” Then McCain ends up drunk calling all the numbers in his black book until someone answers, and shows up with the girl from “Carrie”. No disrespect for “Carrie” by the way…she’s here in Arkham, too and still plenty pissed about the Democratic Convention. But when you get back at the guy who dumped you on prom night by getting drunk and sleeping with a creep you never liked before…you’ve got one hell of an awkward moment waiting the next morning. But by then the election will be over and you’ll take the “walk of shame” all the way back home. The GOP can probably pull this off unless the National Enquirer has pictures of McCain and Palin clubbing baby seals.


Even then it won’t matter. Obama didn’t even get a bounce after the convention, women are defecting to the GOP, a former rural mayor has more political clout than a former First Lady, hurricanes refuse to cooperate and cats are sleeping with dogs. It’s a political apocalypse! And while many defectors from the Democratic Party will be waking up next to another “old man” after election day, Obama will awaken nursing an election hang-over from the stale cask of Amontillado he’s been drinking out of since the nomination. He’ll still try to take the express elevator to 2012 but soon find himself walled in by political oblivion, laid brick by brick by Hillary’s Hoards. Similarly, they’ll turn in time to find themselves chained to the wall and the last brick being put in place on ideals they set aside for the sake of vengeance. “Why so serious?” the GOP changlings will ask just before the darkness falls.


As Palin and McCain silently stroll hand-in-hand towards the light, they’ll hear one last conversation between the two walled in factions of the once formidable Democratic party, reduced to Fortunato waiting for his Amontillado : "Ha ! ha ! ha ! - he ! he ! - a very good joke indeed - an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo - he ! he ! he ! - over our wine - he ! he ! he !" Run again in 2012? Maybe, but, if you’re using a Mayan calendar, it should all be over by then. The GOP certainly can’t match Gustav in the wind department, but they sure have it on spin. And this political train-wreck provides more suspense than most of the fall line-up put together. But, I’m not worried. I’m an inmate at Arkham and a two-dimensional construct used as a vehicle for satire. But, all of you out there…should be in here. Because you f**kers ARE crazy! AH, HA, HAA, HAAA, HAAA!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Select Quotes from “18 Million Voices” Protest March: TRANSLATED


All I have to say about the Democratic Convention is, "whaaaaaaat?" I missed the latest episode of "Bum Fights" for this? It's hell getting that smuggled into Arkham. Especially since of lot of guys here are in it, but I digress. I also despise the Clintons more now than ever! Where’s that shootout at OK Corral I was promised by the media? They did everything but sing Kumbaya then have an orgy at this lethargic love-fest of a convention. Where’s the anger, the angst, the hostility? What happened to slipping in the blood on the convention floor and heads being put on sticks? In short, Bill and Hill ruined my entertainment. But at least there’s the Republican Convention to look forward to. They’d better do it up right, or I’m canceling my cable…AH, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!

Fortunately for me, my good friend and fellow inmate…I mean fellow PATIENT…and former CIA translator Marshall Dunn came across some angry dialog from the streets by former Clinton supporters here:


http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/politics/blog/2008/08/dnc_quotes_from_prohillary_cli_1.html

That’s what I’m talking about! Feel the burn. Can we all not get along since it makes for better television anyway? All the ingredients of anarchy: rebellion and inflammatory dialog from poor players strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage. Tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Now that’s entertainment! AH, HA, HAAA, HAAAA!


Toni Alves,, San Francisco
Toni: "Obama wasn’t elected, he was selected. If you look at all the caucus fraud, you’ll see his delegate lead was only in the red states. …she won the popular vote and she should be the nominee.”
TRANSLATION: “It’s pretty obvious that I've been woefully uninformed about the long running debate regarding the caucus system versus popular vote until Clinton lost the nomination.”

Toni: “I’ve been a Democrat for 40 years this year, and if Obama is the nominee I’ll vote for McCain.”
TRANSLATION: “Give in to my demands or I’ll overtly set myself up for disappointment one last time. Then you’ll be sorry.”

Toni: "These people are trying to scare us about Roe v. Wade. Well, you know what? I am beyond my reproductive years. I don’t care. it’s time for these young Obama women who think it’s so cool to support him, they can worry about their own reproductive rights.”
TRANSLATION: “Consider me the antithesis of the women’s suffrage and biological rights movements, You know…a REPUBLICAN!

Diane Schrack, Colorado
Diane:
'Because it was OK on the upper level, the national level, it was OK on the local level, too. The DNC is deeply guilty. It’s so frustrating. It makes me want to become an unaffiliated voter. I am a Democrat. My goal is to make Democrats think about what we’re losing here. If we’re going to give up women in this race who’s next? Who are they going to give up next time?”
TRANSLATION: “They threw us under the bus like Clinton did the gays in 1996 and we don’t like it one bit.”

Diane: "Antisemitism? Let’s have a little bit of that. Or next time let’s have a little bit of racism, or maybe have a little bit of gay bashing next time.”
TRANSLATION: “Let’s turn back the clock to 1955 so I don’t have to restrain myself so much.”

Diane: "They sacrificed women because they could take their vote for granted, and that is not what Democrats stand for !"
TRANSLATION: “The Democrats should maintain their long standing tradition of losing to Republican candidates to appease the most vocal faction of the party, just like the GOP caved into the evangelicals to win.”

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Joker’s Muse: Political Conventions

It’s the convention season again when the two major parties trot out their respective Frankenstein monsters to terrify the villagers…er….I mean the voters. Looking at it from my perspective (i.e. through bars on the window), the candidates are just two sides of the same monster. The only difference is how the Frankensteins were assembled. The Republicans prefer to reconstruct the entire monster from scratch and just drop in the same brain they’ve kept in a jar since Reagan. The Democrats have a quicker process and swap out the entire head, but still hobble it to a slow, clumsy body that pulls to the left.

This year, we’re presented with Frankenberry and the Obamable Showman as the main attractions. While on the surface they appear similar, one need only look beneath the thin veneer surrounding the animated corpses to see…we are sooooo screwed! Shelly described the dark art known as the nomination process the best: “Darkness had no effect upon my fancy; and a churchyard was to me merely the receptacle of bodies deprived of life, which, from being the seat of beauty and strength, had become food for the worm.” But enough about Edwards.

As part of my therapy, Dr. Crane suggested I put together an overview of the candidates. Not that it’ll matter much here in Arkham since the mentally impaired can’t vote anyway.
In theory, that is. Not only can do the mentally impaired vote, they occasionally run for President. And sometimes, they don’t know when to quit. So while the Democrats finalize whose head will finally sit on top of their monster in November, the Republicans are trying to curtail their monster’s nasty habit of killing hobos who wander too close to his condo. Or is it condos? I’ll get back to you on that after the Bride of Frankenstein gets back to me…AH, HA, HAA, HAAA! In the meantime, let’s examine the monsters in more detail. One disclaimer….after next week, there could be a new head on that body for the Democrats. Who knows with that bunch....



Thursday, August 14, 2008

Poison Ivy to be Keynote Speaker at DNC

Dr. Pamela Liilian Isley, aka “Poison Ivy” has been named one of the key note speakers at this month’s Democratic National Convention. The former eco-terrorist, current Arkham resident was selected to speak on the 88th anniversary of women’s suffrage in the United States over dozens of more prominent women by a pro-Clinton Group, Colorado Women Count/Women Vote. It has also been announced that Hillary Clinton’s name will be placed into nomination at the convention, clarifying what “suspending” ones’ candidacy actually means.

Obama visited “Ivy” at Arkham last week and after a short meeting, Obama emerged smiling enigmatically and apparently intoxicated, Addressing the press, Obama proclaimed, "I am convinced that honoring Sen. Clinton's historic campaign in this way will help us celebrate this defining moment in our history and bring the party together in a strong, united fashion," It was like watching a sucker punch in slow motion.

To put the latest, perplexing events into some sort of skewed perspective, fellow Arkham resident, The Joker, offered his insane insight. “Ivy is a very clever girl, yes she is. Before Obama can even get to the podium, he’s going to be ensnared in so many vines of voter discontent, he’ll be lucky to get free by Labor Day. Ah, Ha, HAA, HAAAA!” The Joker noted that Dr. Isley was formerly a noted botanist that “grew some really good weed” before she was popped, but escaped a prison term by coping an insanity plea. “She played Obama like an oboe. Actually more like a bassoon with it's, deeper, richer tone. She’s smart enough to realize she needed to toke him up to take him down. What a rube! AH, HA, HAAA, HAA!”.

Another Arkham resident, Huggy Bear was shanked shortly before his interview but said from his hospital bed, “Word on the street is that Hillary and her loose cannon, Bill, are going to highjack the nomination and have hired an excess of evil to leave Obama for politically dead.” Reportedly a secret, villainous organization called PUMA (Purging Up More Anger) plans to “finish the job Jesse Jackson started” and attack during the convention.
In a press release, they stated: “There will be no unity in the Democratic party until the voices of the 18 million voters who support Hillary Clinton are heard and heeded. Until the voices of Pumas are once again listened to by the leadership of the Democratic party, we will be guided by that defiance. We will not be bullied, brainwashed, or bossed into falling in line.”

Al Gore is supposedly crushed by the outpouring of support for a person who lost the nomination. “There was no organized anarchy on my behalf when I won the freakjng election! I am depressed…” Meanwhile, McCain and his presumed running mate General Zod are content to sit back and let the Injustice League hand Obama his head. On vacation in the Phantom Zone, Zod said, “Personally, I’d like to make Obama kneel before Zod, yada, yada, yada. But, why should I do all the heavy lifting?”

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Saddam’s "24"



12:00:00 a.m.- Saddam arrives and is greeted by a contingent of 72 virgins.


12:00:05 a.m.- Saddam striped naked, tortured and cruelly mocked by 72 Harpies of Hell for actually believing he went to Paradise.


12:00:06-1:30 a.m.-Saddam given excruciatingly boring Power Point indoctrination by two minor demons of Hell. He receives a laminated map in his welcome packet outlining the various Domains of the Underworld.


1:30-1:35 a.m.- Lunch provided. Hussein consumes his own testicles on two dry, unsalted soda crackers. No water provided.


1:35-4:30 a.m.- Power Point presentation continues.


4:30-7:30 a.m.- Satan’s Vice-President of Misery escorts Saddam to each Domain of Hell and provides samples.


7:30-10:30-a..m.- Power Point presentation continues. Saddam falls asleep.


10:30-10:32 a.m.- Saddam awakens from a nap surrounded by 72 Virgins and realizes that his trip to Hell was only a Dream. He is then really awakened and realizes it is once again a cruel hoax.


10:32 a.m.-Noon- Saddam attends a group therapy session with Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini. Mocked and humiliated by the trio as a second-rate amateur when it comes to being a fascist dictator and ostracized. Agrees to become Idi Amin’s Hell bitch for protection.


Noon-1:00 p.m.-Lunch with Uday. Meal catered by Jeffrey Dahmer followed by a game of "Guess Who’s in the Soup?"


1:00- 4:45 p.m.-Power Point presentation continues with history of cannibalism and the general Rules and Regulations of Hell. Suffers intense gas and determines Qusay was in the soup.


4:45-5:00 p.m. Afterword by Satan. Informed that a test will follow.


5:00-6:00 p.m. 1000 question test over the day’s lesson. All essay.


6:00-9:00 p.m. Waiting for final grade in Limbo with Yassir Arafat and Ariel Sharon, watching reruns of "Star Trek: Voyager".


9:00-Midnight. Going over each wrong question in laborious detail with the promise of spending "time" in each area of Hell that he failed.


Midnight-Eternity: Fails to get a single question right; pondering how his brutal earthly rule pales in comparison to the tortures of Hell he is fully indoctrinated and released into the general population.

The Joker's News: "Bill Clinton Declines Vice-Presidency"


Looks like there a new resident here at Arkham. And to think they locked me up as crazy when someone like John Edwards can run for president while doing the Boom-Cha-Ka-Waa-Waa with his campaign filmaker. Edwards' first reaction last fall was to moonwalk and say, "Billie Jean is Not My Lover..EE-HEE!" These days it's more like, "Uh, Oh! But the kid is not my son." Maybe not, but she obviously generated a lot more than campaign footage back in 2006. Far be it from me to gloat over someone else misfortunes in the face of my own overwhelming personal problems. Like restraining my homicidal impulse if we have meat loaf one...more...freakin' time this week. So Boo Hoo, Mr. Edwards. Some of us have real issues.

The problem with incarceration is you tend to lose track of the outside world. Which is why Dr. Crane thought it might be good therapy for me to start up an internal news service. I'm leaning towards "Pox New; Fairly Unbalanced", but just not committed to anything just yet. Not even accuracy. Face it, I'm only doing this for the internet access. How're these loons going to figure out otherwise? 5-4-3-2-1...

And I'm on the air:

"Good evening, Arkham! In today's news, the world still went on without you. On the political front, as Obama makes a dash for the political center, the edges frayed a bit in his search for a running mate. Long-shot contender for VP John Edwards admitted to having sex with a goat. This is not expected to diminish his chances, however, since the goat is refusing to talk about the incident.

In breaking news, Bill Clinton called a press conference this morning to decline the vice-Presidency and offer the position instead to his wife Hillary. Referring to her as, “the people’s choice”, Bill invited Hillary forward amid thunderous applause and falling confetti. “I’m honored to be selected,” gushed Hillary, rushing to the stage to address an adoring crowd of former McCain supporters.

Obama, vacationing with his family in Hawaii, ruined the festivities when his campaign spokesman issued a statement several minutes later declaring, “not only has Bill Clinton NOT been offered the vice-presidential slot, but any substitutions would have been solely at the discretion of the Democratic nominee.” Reports of a leprechaun resembling Bill Clinton manifesting on Obama's shoulder and screaming, "Ye got no choice now, O'Bama!" cannot be substantiated. But insiders report that Obama hasn’t been this angry since the Clintons tried to sell his Chicago home on eBay last month

“Mr. Obama was livid when he heard about all this,” noted one staffer who declined to be identified. “He was white as a sheet... although it does occur to me that if he’d been this upset before the West Virginia primary, he’d have probably gotten more votes,” she mused before being hustled away by NTS agents of Network Taboo Security. "If we hadn't acted quickly, she'd have been in penis territory in no time," said an unidentified NTS agent.

Now to entertainment. At the box office everything SUCKS! Just be glad you have Andy Hardy movies to watch...don't you just want to strangle that little prick...but hey, that's why we're all here, now isn't it?

On the environment, there's bad news and worst news. The bad news, a big volcano somewhere just blew a big hole in the earth's crust and all the world's oceans are draining into it. The worst news, the Molemen are pissed! Back in a 15 seconds with the weather, right after this commerical about Prozac."

This is the best job in the world. I work in a confined, isolate population and the truth is what I say it...is. If  I say there's no smog in Beijing, there's no smog in Beijing! Which reminds me. Time for the weather.

"In the weather today, it's awful out there. Aren't you glad you inside? And coming up in entertainment, Alec Baldwin accepts the vice-Presidency... AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!!! You'll laugh a few years in the future."

"Game Over" for Video Game Makers?

As the video game industry continues to mature, game makers are scrambling to create the next generation of games designed specifically for a maturing demographics. The average age of the hard core gamer is now... well about your age! So in accordance with the changing needs of an aging population, a new generation of games is being developed. Wholesale "death and destruction" is not even remotely entertaining anymore. You've seen one head explode, you've seen them all. Aging gamers are looking for games that reflect the thrill and exhilaration of "real life", while providing the escapism and high definition graphics of cyberspace. These next generation games are so cuting edge, it's like being trapped in The Matrix with a bad bootleg copy of "Misery". On the drawing board:

1) Grand Theft Audit: The premise is simple. The Player is required to accumulate wealth by locating kickbacks, contraband and other sources of undeclared income and effectively hide them in offshore accounts before the Tax Man can audit their Piggy Bank. The game has 17 levels, each with a different Tax Code and Tax Bracket. Those reaching the top level are exempted from the Tax Man, but are set upon by the Charity Hordes and The Paparazzi, seeking to knock the player down a few levels. Rated " MMMP" for Mo Money Mo Problems.




2) Staff Reduction of Doom: Up to 16 players compete on-line with each other over a dwindling numbers of staff positions within a global conglomerate. Each player is required to do absolutely anything possible to make themselves appear less expendable than the others. The Player is allowed a choice of sabotage tools, including Gossip and Blackmail. Fall prey to the Slander Lawsuit and lose everything. Successful players move up a level. All others are tossed from a 40-story building by a cackling caricature of Donald Trump. Land in a garbage can surrounded by homeless people and lose one life. Rated 'FSO' for Fu**ing Stressed Out.

3) Moving Violation: Patterned after many of the most popular driving games, this next generation game requires players to navigate a maze of traffic jams, road construction elderly drivers, car-jacking thugs and being cut off in traffic without shooting anyone.
Randomly targeted by small town policemen with ticket quotas, the goal is to make as many trips back and forth between home and work without accumulating too many tickets, losing ones license or insurance coverage. Or shooting anyone. Increasing level of difficulty as game avatar ages. But locate the Orb of Mid-life Crisis, buy a sports car and knock ten years off Player's age. Rated "BYTTD' for Bore Your Teen To Death

4) Sims Child Support: An interactive game, the Player must meet, marry and divorce a SIM, and gain control of child support payments before their financial stability is crushed. Players can play in one of two modes:
Philandering Pete or Fertile Fergie. In the Fertile Fergie mode, the player must reproduce as quickly as possible, gaining points and Child Support for each child born. In the Philandering Pete mode, the player must avoid marrying or divorce his SIM before she gives birth to more children than he can support. Pete avatar has an Incognito mode, while Fergie possesses the Turbo Lawsuit Power Ring. There are no levels in this game and the player who dies last wins. Rated "OC" for Oh Crap!


5) Castle of Cumpling Credit: This is an interactive game designed for many players. Players are required to acquire material goods and maintain their opulent lifestyle, while keeping their credit manageable. Players borrow and pay off Debt, looking for the perfect balance that allows them to climb the Social Ladder without being knocked off by falling sandbags of Minimum Payments. Players must carry water from the Well of Cheap Credit to irrigate their Investment Crop in order to advance. But beware The Margin Call of Doom, a nebulous capital sucking incubus that's always after your Lucky Charms. Or the Ogre of increasing interest rates that can send you back to Level One! 256 levels of increasing, agonzing difficulty. Rated 'AY' for All Ya'll.







Eric McCormack Hospitalized for Andromeda Strain



Eric McCormack of "Will and Grace" fame was hospitalized yesterday for a strain he suffered while trying to lift his career out of oblivion. Eric suffered the Andromeda strain while trying to carry his role as a drug-addicted "dick" posing as a journalist. "Eric apparently tore something while trying to use his prissy urbanite delivery in a hard-boiled muckraker role," a spokesman for the actor told the press. "The plot of the remake was considerably heavier than the original, weighted down by time-traveling, vent-mining, bucky-ball building subplots that eventually surpassed Mr. McCormack’s ability to carry." McCormack is expected to recover, but his career will likely remain touch and go for the foreseeable future.


The politically obese tale of a killer virus had everything a schizophrenic science fiction buff could want: government conspiracies, worm-holes, time-travel, people cutting their heads off with chain-saws and plot misdirection even the producers of LOST would be proud of. But, it has be suggested the only "thumbs up" this series deserves would be straight up the butts of the producers who pieced together this fungal infection of a film. While there are many politically paranoid people who enjoy a film that pays homage to everything from the "X-Files" to "12 Monkeys", most agree that plausibility has to fit in there somewhere. And a word to the director, Ridley Scott: cold, severed thumbs can not beat sophisticated security systems.


Eric McCormack’s role was more superfluous than most, and it is widely agreed that Eric should NEVER do a topless scene. Looking as though someone glued gorilla hair on Gilligan’s chest, Eric was clearly strained under the weight of trying to appear sexy. The target audience is unknown at this point, but it’s a good assumption that his missed it by a wide margin. Rick Schroeder had the pleasure of being the token-gay soldier selected for the suicide mission of bringing up that particular political issue. However, the severed-thumb-tossing Daniel Dae Kim (of "LOST" notoriety) was completely wasted in this remake. In short, he’s playing the same part he plays in "LOST". So was that "chick from Scrubs" in her role as "research-scientist-who-acts like-that-chick-from-Scrubs". Cue soapy boob scene and…ACTION!


In all honesty, films like this are probably the main reason people from the future are trying to kill us. If I was paying $1000 credits a month to watch Turner Classic Movies and the "Andromeda Strain" remake was the classic movie they were offering, I’d want to exterminate the past, too.

Friday, August 8, 2008

X-Files Fans: "Even I Don't Believe This Crap!"




No one wanted to believe the newest X-Files movie would suck, but by all accounts it sucked worst than a vacuum cleaner in a black-hole. The box office was a harsh realm for director Chris Carter the very first weekend as the new X-Files movie opened in the number 4 position, thoroughly trounced by the likes of "Mama Mia" and "Step-Brothers". To add insult to injury, the movie then proceeded to fall out of the top ten faster than a UFO blip disappearing from a radar screen. The final indignity came when "Space Chimps" reached suborbital status and threw monkey crap as the X-Files lost its fragile hold on the top ten, effectively banishing the cinematic misfire into the abyss of obscurity.

"The X-Files had about as much of a chance against the "Dark Knight" as road-kill, but DAMN!" lamented Chris Carter. His normally sunny disposition now resembles chronically depressed Frank Black from the agonizingly nihilistic "Millennium" series of the late 90’s. Die hard fans were especially dismayed by the long awaited sequel and no amount of group therapy is going to change that. However, director Chris Carter wants to believe he has a solution to the problem: a Director’s Cut of the film.

"I’ve put together a Director’s Cut of this movie that I think will appeal to a greater number of people," said Carter, idly playing with a loaded gun. "It features all the scenes the fans REALLY wanted to see, but ended up on the cutting room floor." Most critics agree that fans would probably want to see a plausible plot with good pacing and action but Carter apparently had other ideas.

"What is it fans want? Huh? Huh?" asked Carter menacingly, twirling the loaded gun around his finger. "I-I-I…don’t know. An affordable movie experience that doesn’t insult one’s intelligence?" one reporter offered, slowly backing out of the room. "No!" Carter answered. "Sex between Scully and Mulder!’ After all the reporters came stampeding back into the room, Carter showed a clip from his new Director’s Cut.

As the traditional "Boom-Cha-Ka-Waa-Waa" adult movie soundtrack filled the room, Scully and Mulder caressing, then slowly undressing each other brought whistles and rounds of applause. But the biggest plot twist was when Inspector Skinner made a cameo as an undercover pizza delivery driver and joined in, suggesting that Scully’s high buttoned blouses mask an insatiable, sultry, siren underneath.

Unfortunately, the 1 minute and 38 second sex scene soon gave way to the same tofu version of an action movie, weighted down by stem cells, body parts and Father Joe. And what started out as a promising erotic departure devolved into Mulder attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation while Skinner glared at him with disgust and Scully looked understandably frustrated. While it has been rumored for years, this scene from the Director’s Cut proved once and for all that Chris Carter truly can f**k up a wet dream.

Earlier this summer, some may recall previews of "The Happening" showing people throwing themselves off of buildings. What you may not know is that was actual footage following the pre-screening of "I Want to Believe". And the biggest mystery is NOT why "X-Files" did so badly, but how "Step-Brothers" did so well. Some mysteries may never be solved, but for the conspiracy nuts out there, there are rumored to be photographs of a Cigarette Smoking Man on the set with Will Ferrell. No one is saying there’s a conspiracy to discredit Mulder and Scully one last time, but, any movie that is worst than a Will Ferrell movie is apocalyptic in nature. The truth is probably out there…somewhere… but I’ll just let the Dark Knight and Frank Black sort it all out.

A Loon Again (Naturally)




Good evening Arkham! I’m the Joker and all I’ve got to say is I WAS FRAMED!!!! I’m not that vilified fictional character, slandered for decades in film and comics. I’m a real person and much less of a menace than that guy behind you in his Hummer talking on a cell phone. I’m not homicidal unless you cut me off in traffic. And I may be deliriously misguided but even I know that privacy is an illusion. I’m the embodiment of skewed views, sure, but I'm also the antithesis of unrestrained, uninformed opinion, irrelevant dialog and inaccurate depiction. I'm a false impression designed to be extrapolated to disaster. Or I’m a vehicle for satirical discourse, nothing more. But, I'm probably more like you than you think.

I’m locked away here in Arkham, a victim of selective societal censorship and unpopular conjecture. In other words, they shut down my "pyrotechnic art display". What's it take to get some recognition in this town? So after being hidden away here in Arkham for a while, it occurred to me that maybe I need to get a grip on the anger issues. So I've done some reading in the library and decided to explore expressing myself in ways other than a homicidal rage. Dr. Crane suggested I start a blog. He also suggested I "fear him", so the blog seemed like the better alternative.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Why should I take the blame for my own actions? I’m a scapegoat for the failure of others, placed here by the Batman (who is only an idea, nothing more). We all have a Batman in our midst, the same Batman that puts us all in cages, frightening us into silence from the darkness. Lurking around in ways that would get me arrested. He is Version 6.0 of the Thought Police using the power of alienation to force conformity. And you have admit my purple and green combo isn't exactly comformed dress. My entire universe is Arkham, but at least in this universe, I am surrounded by friends and other misfits. Here they call me "Jack".

Dr. Crane also figured it would be good therapy to express myself through music, so I’d like to give a short concert with just me and my guitar. At first, I was going to play some Ray Charles on the banjo, but I just don’t see that happening now. The banjo is such a happy instrument. You just can’t play the blues on a banjo.

Wanna meet my friends? DO IT!!! I think you might know them anyway. First, I wanna give a shout out to The Riddler who couldn’t be here in person this evening because he’s undergoing shock therapy. But, he wanted me to read this little riddle for you. It sucks, but here goes…um….how is Batman like Pamela Anderson’s boobs? All three are fakes!! BUH-DUMP-BUMP. Give it up for Cat Woman on snare drum, folks...those were her boobs bouncing off of it. Yeah, she’s seen better days.

Yo, Penguin, thanks for being here. Glad to see you’re finally taking a balanced diet and dental hygiene seriously. Whassup Bane, how’s the detox going? Ah, right…one day at a time, Brother….one day at a time.

Not all of them showed up for the show. In the cell next mine is an ex-FBI agent. I talked to him briefly while they were hosing out his cell. He says UFOs kidnapped his sister and the government is covering it up. AH, HA, HAA, HAAAA! Yeah, that fucker is crazy!

Over there is a journalist who wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning expose about disinformation and the public being misinformed, deceived and led into a war. That’s not so bad…but when he takes his glasses off he thinks he’s an alien sent to Earth as an infant to rescue the world. Show him anything green and he flips out. And he discovered the hard way that he wasn’t bullet-proof after they found some disinformation he overlooked in his research. So he had no X- ray vision, either. I can’t figure out why there aren’t more politicians in here. But like beauty, insanity is in the eye of the beholder. And in the Land of the Loon, the sane man is screwed.

Then there’s me, singing folk songs, square dancing and looking like Bob Dylan with green hair. This evening, I wanted to sing a song close to my heart. But they took the real heart away when they arrested me so I'm going to use this rubber facimilie to remind me of homicidal days long past. This is a song I wrote several years ago while I was depressed about global warming. But current events prompted me to re-write it with more relevant lyrics, lyrics which express the human condition today. It’s a song of alienation, isolation, degradation, and finally emancipation.

I...HEY! Get off the stage!!

I prefer to call it the "The Joker’s Blues" but in order to give proper credit to Gilbert O’ Sullivan….let’s call it "A Loon Again (Naturally)".

"In a little while from now
Batman’s gonna learn how
I can gain in wealth and flirt with death
without graphics reading "Bang" and "Pow".
I’ve selected the meds to stop,
and I’m climbing to the top
of the crime scene,
so you’ll know I mean
what I say now that I’m shattered!
Standing in the rain,
with the pain of a smile frozen
upon my face,
as white as paste.
So now no more restraining,
my dark and moody tone
because I’m on my own.
A loon again, naturally.
To think that only yesterday
people thought I dressed too gay,
and looking forward to what Batman would do
to harass me every night and day.
He’d always knock me down.
But, insanity came around
and without so much,
as a mere touch
I splintered into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt
talk about God and His mercy
'cause if He really does exist
he still let’s Batman hurt me.
But, I’m not the only one
who’s harassed just for fun.
A loon again, naturally.
It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world
that can’t be mended.
Left unattended.
What would you do,
if it were you?

(Guitar solo)

Looking back over the years,
I see shattered hopes and fears.
I remember I cried about wounded pride
heaped on me by my callous peers.
And by thirty-five years old
the darkness overtook my soul.
Now I understand as an older man,
all the bullshit I have taken.
So I intend to start
to fix a heart so badly broken
from few supportive words for me,
or kindly deeds unspoken.
That pain is gone away,
and I'm on meds all day,
A loon again, naturally.
A loon again, naturally…"

AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!
Good night, Arkham I’m here all week!!!!
All…week…long!!!!