Saturday, August 9, 2008

Eric McCormack Hospitalized for Andromeda Strain

Eric McCormack of "Will and Grace" fame was hospitalized yesterday for a strain he suffered while trying to lift his career out of oblivion. Eric suffered the Andromeda strain while trying to carry his role as a drug-addicted "dick" posing as a journalist. "Eric apparently tore something while trying to use his prissy urbanite delivery in a hard-boiled muckraker role," a spokesman for the actor told the press. "The plot of the remake was considerably heavier than the original, weighted down by time-traveling, vent-mining, bucky-ball building subplots that eventually surpassed Mr. McCormack’s ability to carry." McCormack is expected to recover, but his career will likely remain touch and go for the foreseeable future.

The politically obese tale of a killer virus had everything a schizophrenic science fiction buff could want: government conspiracies, worm-holes, time-travel, people cutting their heads off with chain-saws and plot misdirection even the producers of LOST would be proud of. But, it has be suggested the only "thumbs up" this series deserves would be straight up the butts of the producers who pieced together this fungal infection of a film. While there are many politically paranoid people who enjoy a film that pays homage to everything from the "X-Files" to "12 Monkeys", most agree that plausibility has to fit in there somewhere. And a word to the director, Ridley Scott: cold, severed thumbs can not beat sophisticated security systems.

Eric McCormack’s role was more superfluous than most, and it is widely agreed that Eric should NEVER do a topless scene. Looking as though someone glued gorilla hair on Gilligan’s chest, Eric was clearly strained under the weight of trying to appear sexy. The target audience is unknown at this point, but it’s a good assumption that his missed it by a wide margin. Rick Schroeder had the pleasure of being the token-gay soldier selected for the suicide mission of bringing up that particular political issue. However, the severed-thumb-tossing Daniel Dae Kim (of "LOST" notoriety) was completely wasted in this remake. In short, he’s playing the same part he plays in "LOST". So was that "chick from Scrubs" in her role as "research-scientist-who-acts like-that-chick-from-Scrubs". Cue soapy boob scene and…ACTION!

In all honesty, films like this are probably the main reason people from the future are trying to kill us. If I was paying $1000 credits a month to watch Turner Classic Movies and the "Andromeda Strain" remake was the classic movie they were offering, I’d want to exterminate the past, too.

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