Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Joker's News: "Bill Clinton Declines Vice-Presidency"

Looks like there a new resident here at Arkham. And to think they locked me up as crazy when someone like John Edwards can run for president while doing the Boom-Cha-Ka-Waa-Waa with his campaign filmaker. Edwards' first reaction last fall was to moonwalk and say, "Billie Jean is Not My Lover..EE-HEE!" These days it's more like, "Uh, Oh! But the kid is not my son." Maybe not, but she obviously generated a lot more than campaign footage back in 2006. Far be it from me to gloat over someone else misfortunes in the face of my own overwhelming personal problems. Like restraining my homicidal impulse if we have meat loaf one...more...freakin' time this week. So Boo Hoo, Mr. Edwards. Some of us have real issues.

The problem with incarceration is you tend to lose track of the outside world. Which is why Dr. Crane thought it might be good therapy for me to start up an internal news service. I'm leaning towards "Pox New; Fairly Unbalanced", but just not committed to anything just yet. Not even accuracy. Face it, I'm only doing this for the internet access. How're these loons going to figure out otherwise? 5-4-3-2-1...

And I'm on the air:

"Good evening, Arkham! In today's news, the world still went on without you. On the political front, as Obama makes a dash for the political center, the edges frayed a bit in his search for a running mate. Long-shot contender for VP John Edwards admitted to having sex with a goat. This is not expected to diminish his chances, however, since the goat is refusing to talk about the incident.

In breaking news, Bill Clinton called a press conference this morning to decline the vice-Presidency and offer the position instead to his wife Hillary. Referring to her as, “the people’s choice”, Bill invited Hillary forward amid thunderous applause and falling confetti. “I’m honored to be selected,” gushed Hillary, rushing to the stage to address an adoring crowd of former McCain supporters.

Obama, vacationing with his family in Hawaii, ruined the festivities when his campaign spokesman issued a statement several minutes later declaring, “not only has Bill Clinton NOT been offered the vice-presidential slot, but any substitutions would have been solely at the discretion of the Democratic nominee.” Reports of a leprechaun resembling Bill Clinton manifesting on Obama's shoulder and screaming, "Ye got no choice now, O'Bama!" cannot be substantiated. But insiders report that Obama hasn’t been this angry since the Clintons tried to sell his Chicago home on eBay last month

“Mr. Obama was livid when he heard about all this,” noted one staffer who declined to be identified. “He was white as a sheet... although it does occur to me that if he’d been this upset before the West Virginia primary, he’d have probably gotten more votes,” she mused before being hustled away by NTS agents of Network Taboo Security. "If we hadn't acted quickly, she'd have been in penis territory in no time," said an unidentified NTS agent.

Now to entertainment. At the box office everything SUCKS! Just be glad you have Andy Hardy movies to watch...don't you just want to strangle that little prick...but hey, that's why we're all here, now isn't it?

On the environment, there's bad news and worst news. The bad news, a big volcano somewhere just blew a big hole in the earth's crust and all the world's oceans are draining into it. The worst news, the Molemen are pissed! Back in a 15 seconds with the weather, right after this commerical about Prozac."

This is the best job in the world. I work in a confined, isolate population and the truth is what I say If  I say there's no smog in Beijing, there's no smog in Beijing! Which reminds me. Time for the weather.

"In the weather today, it's awful out there. Aren't you glad you inside? And coming up in entertainment, Alec Baldwin accepts the vice-Presidency... AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!!! You'll laugh a few years in the future."

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