Monday, September 27, 2010

Glenn Beck Joins Insane Clown Posse

Woo Hoo Hoooooooo, Good evening, Arkham! Have I got breaking news for you. Tonight's dessert is rice pudding with a healthy dose of salt peter. And in other breaking news, Glen Beck makes a startling announcement.

Apparently after his incredibly successful “Restoring Honor” gathering, Beck is ready to take a stab at a “Gathering of the Juggalos” as the newest member of Insane Clown Posse. After first mistaking “The Juggalos” for a strip joint, Beck entered into negotiations with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to become “Clueless G”. “I’m looking forward to getting my message out at ICP’s annual Halloween festival at the Fillmore Detroit,” said Beck. When asked if the recent attack on Tila Tequila gave him any reservations about being on stage surrounded by a crowd of violent Juggalos, Beck snickered and waved his hand dismissively. “First of all, I don’t drink anymore so I don’t give a flip about Tequila. Second, I’m sure these rambunctious kids are just having a good time, just like the framers of The Constitution.”

Beck insists that he can “sling poop with the best of them,” and praised ICP’s conversion to Christianity. “The Dark Carnival is now bathed in the glorious light of salvation,” Beck gushed into the microphone. But according to sources behind the scenes, the addition of Beck is causing a few technical difficulties. “Violent J wasn’t real happy with Beck’s Ronald-McDonald- in-a -tin-foil-hat costume,” said one source. Reportedly Violent J had to be physically restrained from beating the crap out of Beck with a microphone after taking one look and uttering, “Aw, HELL Naw!” He was later calmed down by Shaggy 2 Dope reiterating,” We need him,” and Beck was allowed to keep his outfit provided he wore a giant Styrofoam penis.

Organizers of the Halloween event are being particularly closed mouth about what exactly Beck is expected to do on such short notice. But, chatter on ICP message boards suggest a rather nefarious motive behind Insane Clown Posse’s inclusion of Beck in their act. “Two words: human sacrifice,” said one Juggalo who declined to be identified. When asked specifically about those allegations, Shaggy 2 Dope responded with a string of expletives that loosely translated into, “Good golly, no. What kind of people do you think we are?”

In related news, Deleware Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell has announced that she'll be joining the female version of ICP for a road tour along with Sarah Palin and Arizona governor Jan Brewer. Tentatively named the "Insane Clown Pussy" tour, the circus is expected to roll into your town like a band of gypsies sometime before November. O'Donnell initially planned on flying in for appearances on her broomstick, but opted out because she didn't want to be mistaken for masturbating. According to one supporter, "I just can't wait to watch them all pile out of that little clown car of a political platform".

And that's the news....ALL of it. Goodnight Arkham. Sleep while you still can. AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Joker's Show Tunes: "Obama is a Muslim"

Hello Arkham;

Ever since we lost our cable suscription, things have been pretty damned boring around here. So Dr. Crane has asked me to put together a talent show to keep you goons amused. Unfortunately, a talent show requires...talent. Which none of you obviously have, else you wouldn't be in here, AH, HAA, HAAA! Chumps.

But in a futile attempt to dreg up something remotely resembling talent, I've decided to start it all off. Being the political animal I am, I've decided to address the political issues of the day with a song. OK, I stole the tune from Guns and Roses "Welcome to the Jungle," but I highly doubt they'd want to risk suing a psychopath like me. it's called, "Obama is a Muslim". And it goes something like this...

(guitar intro by Bane)

Quit milking it, Bane!


Obama is a Muslim!
It ain’t what he claims.
He’ll pretend to be everything you want.
But, you can watch him change.
He has the people who can hide,
His birth certificate.
He’s like a freaking Gremlin.
Never get him wet.

Born in Kenya.
He was born in Kenya
He’s a…m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on what you read!

Obama is a Muslim!
That’s what people say.
He also is the AntiChrist,
And I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
I heard he’s part Japanese.
Has a fatal disease.
He's stockpiling honey,
'Cause he's gonna kill the bees!

Born in Kenya
He was born in Kenya
He’s a… m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on who you heed.

Obama is a Muslim.
Reverend Wright be damned.
That whole Chicago church attendance
Was how we were scammed.
He has never eaten pork.
He bowls just like a dork.
He shoves bean pies in his mouth
And he doesn’t use a fork.


And when you're Muslim you never,
Ever eat ham, or sausage, or bacon, no poooooooork!

We know who you are.
You're a Muslim, baby!
You're gonna convert!

He’s a Muslim!
Obama is a Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n knees, knees!
He’s a Muslim,
Obama is a Muslim!
Behold my, my…my venting spleen
He’s a Muslim,
He’s a hidden Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n, knees, knees!
Yeah, a Muslim,
That dude is a Muslim.
He’s the man with the Koran and
He’s gonna bring you down!