Monday, September 27, 2010

Glenn Beck Joins Insane Clown Posse

Woo Hoo Hoooooooo, Good evening, Arkham! Have I got breaking news for you. Tonight's dessert is rice pudding with a healthy dose of salt peter. And in other breaking news, Glen Beck makes a startling announcement.

Apparently after his incredibly successful “Restoring Honor” gathering, Beck is ready to take a stab at a “Gathering of the Juggalos” as the newest member of Insane Clown Posse. After first mistaking “The Juggalos” for a strip joint, Beck entered into negotiations with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to become “Clueless G”. “I’m looking forward to getting my message out at ICP’s annual Halloween festival at the Fillmore Detroit,” said Beck. When asked if the recent attack on Tila Tequila gave him any reservations about being on stage surrounded by a crowd of violent Juggalos, Beck snickered and waved his hand dismissively. “First of all, I don’t drink anymore so I don’t give a flip about Tequila. Second, I’m sure these rambunctious kids are just having a good time, just like the framers of The Constitution.”

Beck insists that he can “sling poop with the best of them,” and praised ICP’s conversion to Christianity. “The Dark Carnival is now bathed in the glorious light of salvation,” Beck gushed into the microphone. But according to sources behind the scenes, the addition of Beck is causing a few technical difficulties. “Violent J wasn’t real happy with Beck’s Ronald-McDonald- in-a -tin-foil-hat costume,” said one source. Reportedly Violent J had to be physically restrained from beating the crap out of Beck with a microphone after taking one look and uttering, “Aw, HELL Naw!” He was later calmed down by Shaggy 2 Dope reiterating,” We need him,” and Beck was allowed to keep his outfit provided he wore a giant Styrofoam penis.

Organizers of the Halloween event are being particularly closed mouth about what exactly Beck is expected to do on such short notice. But, chatter on ICP message boards suggest a rather nefarious motive behind Insane Clown Posse’s inclusion of Beck in their act. “Two words: human sacrifice,” said one Juggalo who declined to be identified. When asked specifically about those allegations, Shaggy 2 Dope responded with a string of expletives that loosely translated into, “Good golly, no. What kind of people do you think we are?”

In related news, Deleware Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell has announced that she'll be joining the female version of ICP for a road tour along with Sarah Palin and Arizona governor Jan Brewer. Tentatively named the "Insane Clown Pussy" tour, the circus is expected to roll into your town like a band of gypsies sometime before November. O'Donnell initially planned on flying in for appearances on her broomstick, but opted out because she didn't want to be mistaken for masturbating. According to one supporter, "I just can't wait to watch them all pile out of that little clown car of a political platform".

And that's the news....ALL of it. Goodnight Arkham. Sleep while you still can. AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

This is awesome. I've been a Juggalette for three years now, and this is one of the most amusing ICP articles I've ever read. Satire is difficult to do sometimes, and this is perfect. The characterizations of Jay and Shaggy were spot on, especially Shaggy's response to the sacrifice question. The idea of Glen Beck being at a Gathering is just hilarious, he'd come out of it scarred for life. Very well done, best laugh I've had in a long time.