Wednesday, April 14, 2010

$arah Palin $cores!

She jumps, she shoots, she SCORES! Big bucks. Nothing wrong with making a profit, afterall. But, I'd like Katie Couric to ask her what charities she gives to...just to see the fireworks. That would be like calling her a socialist....

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Joker's Blues Clues--About Obama's Inauguration

Greetings Arkham—

OK, the last thing I remember was being heavily sedated on election night and put in my cell...that was a Tuesday, I think...then waking up on a Wednesday. Pretty typical only it was 18 months later! What the hell happened? I missed the inauguration and everything. While I was “out of office” so to speak, a few people actually got released from this place. The good news, one of them was Clark Kent. The bad news….now he’s working for FOX. At least Peter Parker is working for MSNBC, so the insanity just balances out. Woo hoo, hooooo!
I’m in the process of catching up with everything that has gone on for the past year and a half. But, trying to put it all into perspective on the basis of news reporting is getting to be a bit tedious to say the least. Below are two accounts of the same inauguration. Guess which one Clark wrote…ah, ha, ha, haaaa!

January 21, 2009
(Washington)--President Obama’s inaugural festivities eclipsed even the most hyperbolic expectations yesterday as everybody who was somebody stopped by to celebrate his political sainthood. George Clooney and Aston Krutcher teamed up to punk guest celebrities Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by having fake D.C. policemen pull them over and furiously frisk Angelina while Brad watched angrily. While having Brad tazed may have been a little over the top, even Brad had to lighten up because of the magic in the air and the secret service guns to his head.

“Has-Beens” and “Never-Have-Beens” alike locked arms and sang Kumbaya by the reflecting pool near the Lincoln Memorial as they ignored the rampant violence characteristic of Washington rampaging through the crowd. Gangs of unemployed financial district workers robbed spectators in their version of a personal bailout; but even that didn’t ruin the sheer exhilaration running through the audience like dysentery. Stevie Wonder miraculously regained his sight in time for his duet with Whitney Houston, mysteriously cured of her crack addiction after hearing Obama’s voice.

The biggest surprise of the entire inaugural was when Jesus Christ showed up with his ukulele and sat in with U2. Despite a short lived tiff between Bono and Christ, the two put aside their personal Messiah complexes and rocked out in celebration of the only person bigger than either of them: Obama. The Devil even cut short a business trip to Georgia to sit in with his golden fiddle. The Dali Lama entertained the crowd between acts with one of the most hilariously outrageous comedy routines since Lenny Bruce...whose ghost was also there working concessions.

Even at this immaculate event, there were few snafus. The ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. addressed the event via Ouija Board, spelling out, “I had a dream...” but being interrupted by the wise-ass ghost of Malcolm X who added, “...that I killed Whitey,” before losing the connection. The Four Horsemen caused a serious stir riding down Pennsylvania Avenue in full End-of-World regalia, scattering the panicked crowds. Many still returned in time to hear President Obama address the multitudes...then feed them from a few loaves of bread and fish left behind by the departing Bush Administration.

Finally, as Obama arose into the night sky and into the White House on a cloud, the audience lit lighters in honor of his ascension. And Obama looked down and saw it was good.

...on the otherhand, things ain’t quite so rosy from another perspective...

(Washington)—Socialist, terrorist minion of the AntiChrist, Barrack Hussein Obama, defiled the very same Bible the tyrant Lincoln did in 1861 when he was sworn in, heralding yet another black day in American history. Summoning Cerberus, the three-headed hell-hound currently going by the name Aretha Franklin, to howl “My Country Tis of Thee” and open the Gates of Hell, Obama brought forth a multitude of demon thralls like Springsteen and U2 to spread the unholy cacophony across the nation.

On a January day so cold that Hell itself froze over, millions of Americans found themselves suddenly under the thumb of an oppressive, godless dictator of the likes the world has never seen. Even the ghost of Hitler trembled in the presence of the Evil One as he turned the thermostat in Hell down, laughing manically. “They said a black man would become president only when Hell froze over…well, that’s today motherf*ckers,” he said before placing his hand on the Bible and being sworn in. As he officially became the 44th President of the United States, the Bible burst into flames, while The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode across the sky heralding the End of the World.

Mothers clutched their children to their breasts and their husbands gnashed their teeth, helpless to defend their families against the foreign-born enemy of America who had just come to power. Seated at his throne in the White House, the evil and inept Obama gloated as Bill Clinton, who had only a few months earlier had suggested that Obama would have been bringing HIM coffee a few months before that...brought The Evil One coffee. Taking one sip, The Wicked Witch Doctor spit it back into his face, bellowing, “CREAM??? You fool, you know how I like my coffee...BLACK!” Pleading for his life, Bill was dragged away by his heels into the coliseum for the evening’s festivities. To add insult to injury, Obama ordered that Hillary be bathed and brought to his quarters later that evening.

His first decree as President was to have all white people taken to concentration camps, from this day forth to be referred to as “Plantation Re-Education Camps”. His next decree was to replace the country’s wheat and corn crops with they’ll have something to pick. Riding through D.C. in the belly of “The Beast”, his pimped and armored Cadillac with gold spinning rims, Obama dissolved The Constitution and proclaimed The False Prophet Rev. Wright as his official spokesman. “Ya’ll thought he was crazy before, just wait until he starts sacrificing virgins, yo!”

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Joker: Redux

I'm back. Because you people just won't shut the hell up....