Thursday, November 4, 2010

Woo Hoo!

It's funny how the further we are from the mid-term elections, the saner all of us Arkham inmates appear. At this rate, I'll be Presidential material by 2012. First, I need to become a small business owner, just to get the tax break.

Wooo, Hooo, Hooooo!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Glenn Beck Joins Insane Clown Posse

Woo Hoo Hoooooooo, Good evening, Arkham! Have I got breaking news for you. Tonight's dessert is rice pudding with a healthy dose of salt peter. And in other breaking news, Glen Beck makes a startling announcement.

Apparently after his incredibly successful “Restoring Honor” gathering, Beck is ready to take a stab at a “Gathering of the Juggalos” as the newest member of Insane Clown Posse. After first mistaking “The Juggalos” for a strip joint, Beck entered into negotiations with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to become “Clueless G”. “I’m looking forward to getting my message out at ICP’s annual Halloween festival at the Fillmore Detroit,” said Beck. When asked if the recent attack on Tila Tequila gave him any reservations about being on stage surrounded by a crowd of violent Juggalos, Beck snickered and waved his hand dismissively. “First of all, I don’t drink anymore so I don’t give a flip about Tequila. Second, I’m sure these rambunctious kids are just having a good time, just like the framers of The Constitution.”

Beck insists that he can “sling poop with the best of them,” and praised ICP’s conversion to Christianity. “The Dark Carnival is now bathed in the glorious light of salvation,” Beck gushed into the microphone. But according to sources behind the scenes, the addition of Beck is causing a few technical difficulties. “Violent J wasn’t real happy with Beck’s Ronald-McDonald- in-a -tin-foil-hat costume,” said one source. Reportedly Violent J had to be physically restrained from beating the crap out of Beck with a microphone after taking one look and uttering, “Aw, HELL Naw!” He was later calmed down by Shaggy 2 Dope reiterating,” We need him,” and Beck was allowed to keep his outfit provided he wore a giant Styrofoam penis.

Organizers of the Halloween event are being particularly closed mouth about what exactly Beck is expected to do on such short notice. But, chatter on ICP message boards suggest a rather nefarious motive behind Insane Clown Posse’s inclusion of Beck in their act. “Two words: human sacrifice,” said one Juggalo who declined to be identified. When asked specifically about those allegations, Shaggy 2 Dope responded with a string of expletives that loosely translated into, “Good golly, no. What kind of people do you think we are?”

In related news, Deleware Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell has announced that she'll be joining the female version of ICP for a road tour along with Sarah Palin and Arizona governor Jan Brewer. Tentatively named the "Insane Clown Pussy" tour, the circus is expected to roll into your town like a band of gypsies sometime before November. O'Donnell initially planned on flying in for appearances on her broomstick, but opted out because she didn't want to be mistaken for masturbating. According to one supporter, "I just can't wait to watch them all pile out of that little clown car of a political platform".

And that's the news....ALL of it. Goodnight Arkham. Sleep while you still can. AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Joker's Show Tunes: "Obama is a Muslim"

Hello Arkham;

Ever since we lost our cable suscription, things have been pretty damned boring around here. So Dr. Crane has asked me to put together a talent show to keep you goons amused. Unfortunately, a talent show requires...talent. Which none of you obviously have, else you wouldn't be in here, AH, HAA, HAAA! Chumps.

But in a futile attempt to dreg up something remotely resembling talent, I've decided to start it all off. Being the political animal I am, I've decided to address the political issues of the day with a song. OK, I stole the tune from Guns and Roses "Welcome to the Jungle," but I highly doubt they'd want to risk suing a psychopath like me. it's called, "Obama is a Muslim". And it goes something like this...

(guitar intro by Bane)

Quit milking it, Bane!


Obama is a Muslim!
It ain’t what he claims.
He’ll pretend to be everything you want.
But, you can watch him change.
He has the people who can hide,
His birth certificate.
He’s like a freaking Gremlin.
Never get him wet.

Born in Kenya.
He was born in Kenya
He’s a…m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on what you read!

Obama is a Muslim!
That’s what people say.
He also is the AntiChrist,
And I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
I heard he’s part Japanese.
Has a fatal disease.
He's stockpiling honey,
'Cause he's gonna kill the bees!

Born in Kenya
He was born in Kenya
He’s a… m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on who you heed.

Obama is a Muslim.
Reverend Wright be damned.
That whole Chicago church attendance
Was how we were scammed.
He has never eaten pork.
He bowls just like a dork.
He shoves bean pies in his mouth
And he doesn’t use a fork.


And when you're Muslim you never,
Ever eat ham, or sausage, or bacon, no poooooooork!

We know who you are.
You're a Muslim, baby!
You're gonna convert!

He’s a Muslim!
Obama is a Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n knees, knees!
He’s a Muslim,
Obama is a Muslim!
Behold my, my…my venting spleen
He’s a Muslim,
He’s a hidden Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n, knees, knees!
Yeah, a Muslim,
That dude is a Muslim.
He’s the man with the Koran and
He’s gonna bring you down!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Import_Dysfunction Junction

What's on your playlist? Here's what I'm listening to while I clean off pelicans in the Gulf.

Import_Dysfunction Junction

Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any of this material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Joker's News

Good evening Arkham;

Last week, the chap who hacked Palin’s email account during her VP run was convicted of being an idiot. Since he apparently pled insanity, he’ll probably be popping up in HERE any day now. That’s not the funny part. What’s funny is that the person whose privacy was violated went on Facebook a few days ago to reiterate her pro-drilling position. Ah, yes....Facebook, that bastion of personal privacy. Ah, ha, haa, haaa! As for her pro-drilling stance, well, that’s a personal preference based on logic, careful consideration and specific circumstances. Yeah, I crack myself up sometimes! That’s....why...I’m in here!

Meanwhile, delivering a speech in Missouri, Palin urged the country to trust the oil industry. And why not? You trust our investment institutions even after they crashed the market with bogus investment vehicles and borrowed your money to give themselves bonuses. Seems perfectly logical to me. It’s like a restaurant that spills a bowl of soup all over your table, blames the busboy, brings you another one and jacks up the price. Clean up is extra.

Of course, I think Palin comes off better on Facebook and Twitter. Those live performances sometimes lead to unexpected ad-libbing to prove she's tough-minded. Like when she lifted her leg, let loose a fart and remarked, “Wow, sounds like somebody stepped on a baby seal.” But, leading the crowd in a rousing version of, “200,000 Gallons of Oil in the Gulf” was entirely worth the entry fee: “200,000 gallons of oil in the Gulf, 200,000 gallons of clean one up, cup by cup....210,000 gallons of oil in the Gulf...” And for the foreseeable future, that’s a song that never ends. Try getting that out of your head.

I’m not certain if she’s a mainstream candidate for the presidency yet, but the Tea Party sure seems to like her. Apparently, all that “Mavrickey stuff” is working for her. Only time will tell. But, in the wake of the coal mine and oil drilling disasters, I hear tell that a faction of the Tea Party is actually joining forces with the Far Left to push an alternate energy agenda. And they already have contentions with each other. One wants to encourage development wind and solar energy to wean us away from burning oil and coal....and the other wants to replace the oil and coal with books. More on this story as it develops...ah, ha, haa, haaaa!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

$arah Palin $cores!

She jumps, she shoots, she SCORES! Big bucks. Nothing wrong with making a profit, afterall. But, I'd like Katie Couric to ask her what charities she gives to...just to see the fireworks. That would be like calling her a socialist....

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Joker's Blues Clues--About Obama's Inauguration

Greetings Arkham—

OK, the last thing I remember was being heavily sedated on election night and put in my cell...that was a Tuesday, I think...then waking up on a Wednesday. Pretty typical only it was 18 months later! What the hell happened? I missed the inauguration and everything. While I was “out of office” so to speak, a few people actually got released from this place. The good news, one of them was Clark Kent. The bad news….now he’s working for FOX. At least Peter Parker is working for MSNBC, so the insanity just balances out. Woo hoo, hooooo!
I’m in the process of catching up with everything that has gone on for the past year and a half. But, trying to put it all into perspective on the basis of news reporting is getting to be a bit tedious to say the least. Below are two accounts of the same inauguration. Guess which one Clark wrote…ah, ha, ha, haaaa!

January 21, 2009
(Washington)--President Obama’s inaugural festivities eclipsed even the most hyperbolic expectations yesterday as everybody who was somebody stopped by to celebrate his political sainthood. George Clooney and Aston Krutcher teamed up to punk guest celebrities Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by having fake D.C. policemen pull them over and furiously frisk Angelina while Brad watched angrily. While having Brad tazed may have been a little over the top, even Brad had to lighten up because of the magic in the air and the secret service guns to his head.

“Has-Beens” and “Never-Have-Beens” alike locked arms and sang Kumbaya by the reflecting pool near the Lincoln Memorial as they ignored the rampant violence characteristic of Washington rampaging through the crowd. Gangs of unemployed financial district workers robbed spectators in their version of a personal bailout; but even that didn’t ruin the sheer exhilaration running through the audience like dysentery. Stevie Wonder miraculously regained his sight in time for his duet with Whitney Houston, mysteriously cured of her crack addiction after hearing Obama’s voice.

The biggest surprise of the entire inaugural was when Jesus Christ showed up with his ukulele and sat in with U2. Despite a short lived tiff between Bono and Christ, the two put aside their personal Messiah complexes and rocked out in celebration of the only person bigger than either of them: Obama. The Devil even cut short a business trip to Georgia to sit in with his golden fiddle. The Dali Lama entertained the crowd between acts with one of the most hilariously outrageous comedy routines since Lenny Bruce...whose ghost was also there working concessions.

Even at this immaculate event, there were few snafus. The ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. addressed the event via Ouija Board, spelling out, “I had a dream...” but being interrupted by the wise-ass ghost of Malcolm X who added, “...that I killed Whitey,” before losing the connection. The Four Horsemen caused a serious stir riding down Pennsylvania Avenue in full End-of-World regalia, scattering the panicked crowds. Many still returned in time to hear President Obama address the multitudes...then feed them from a few loaves of bread and fish left behind by the departing Bush Administration.

Finally, as Obama arose into the night sky and into the White House on a cloud, the audience lit lighters in honor of his ascension. And Obama looked down and saw it was good.

...on the otherhand, things ain’t quite so rosy from another perspective...

(Washington)—Socialist, terrorist minion of the AntiChrist, Barrack Hussein Obama, defiled the very same Bible the tyrant Lincoln did in 1861 when he was sworn in, heralding yet another black day in American history. Summoning Cerberus, the three-headed hell-hound currently going by the name Aretha Franklin, to howl “My Country Tis of Thee” and open the Gates of Hell, Obama brought forth a multitude of demon thralls like Springsteen and U2 to spread the unholy cacophony across the nation.

On a January day so cold that Hell itself froze over, millions of Americans found themselves suddenly under the thumb of an oppressive, godless dictator of the likes the world has never seen. Even the ghost of Hitler trembled in the presence of the Evil One as he turned the thermostat in Hell down, laughing manically. “They said a black man would become president only when Hell froze over…well, that’s today motherf*ckers,” he said before placing his hand on the Bible and being sworn in. As he officially became the 44th President of the United States, the Bible burst into flames, while The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode across the sky heralding the End of the World.

Mothers clutched their children to their breasts and their husbands gnashed their teeth, helpless to defend their families against the foreign-born enemy of America who had just come to power. Seated at his throne in the White House, the evil and inept Obama gloated as Bill Clinton, who had only a few months earlier had suggested that Obama would have been bringing HIM coffee a few months before that...brought The Evil One coffee. Taking one sip, The Wicked Witch Doctor spit it back into his face, bellowing, “CREAM??? You fool, you know how I like my coffee...BLACK!” Pleading for his life, Bill was dragged away by his heels into the coliseum for the evening’s festivities. To add insult to injury, Obama ordered that Hillary be bathed and brought to his quarters later that evening.

His first decree as President was to have all white people taken to concentration camps, from this day forth to be referred to as “Plantation Re-Education Camps”. His next decree was to replace the country’s wheat and corn crops with they’ll have something to pick. Riding through D.C. in the belly of “The Beast”, his pimped and armored Cadillac with gold spinning rims, Obama dissolved The Constitution and proclaimed The False Prophet Rev. Wright as his official spokesman. “Ya’ll thought he was crazy before, just wait until he starts sacrificing virgins, yo!”

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Joker: Redux

I'm back. Because you people just won't shut the hell up....