Sunday, May 12, 2013

Bangladeshi Woman Rescued After 17 Days Buried in the Rubble Told to “Get Back to Work!”

Only 1 in 10,000 Bangladeshi railroad switchmen actually make it to retirement.
Bangladeshi rescuers pulled a garment worker alive from the rubble of a building 17 days after the collapse and immediately ordered her back to work. Referring to her time buried alive as “17 days unauthorized vacation”,  the garment factory she works for transferred her to another facility to begin paying off the time.  The rescued woman who goes by the single name of Reshma told reporters as she was transported by ambulance to her new job that she already works 20 hours a day for 15 cents an hour. 

“Thank goodness for the raise, else I’d never pay off my vacation time,” 
she praised her good fortune. “I was saving up for a last name but, hey, 
shit happens! That’s what savings are for.” Management that’s currently 
not incarcerated declined interviews, but did issue a statement, which said 
in part, “Looks like Reshma’s going to be putting in some serious overtime for a while.”

Ironically, Reshma suffered fewer injuries being buried alive than she normally suffers on the job. The seamstress told a local Bangladeshi television station that she stayed alive by drinking bottles of water scattered in the rubble and eating dried food from the backpacks of the deceased.  Local authorities in turn charged Reshma with thief of private property and ordered her to fully reimburse the survivors of the dead relatives and the building owners. “We refuse to turn a blind eye to this kind of blatant theft. What kind of society would that make us?” said a law enforcement official that declined to be identified.

It has also been reported that government rescuers will be reimbursed for pulling Reshma from the debris. When informed that her health care coverage did not cover "rescues", she replied incredulously, "What? I have health care?" 

Reshma said she was anxious to start in her new dead-end position at the death trap across town in Dhaka to begin paying off her massive debt. “The Americans depend on me to provide them with cheaply priced clothing to perpetuate the illusion that inflation is flat. I can’t let them down!” she said. And even though her 17-day vacation left her less rested and refreshed than she might have wished, she declared, “It was still better than a Carnival Cruise.”

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Tie the Entitlements to the Tracks!

"Technically social security is an investment not an entitlement.
Hell, who am I fooling, I'm gonna tie you to the tracks anyway!"
Good Evening, Arkham! I just got paid today, got me a pocket full of "change"...and I'd have rather had a pocket full of kryptonite. Either way, there going to be a lot less of it after the latest budget proposal from Barry Obama. When you have to wait two months for a date to get dressed, you expect something pretty damned spectacular, right? What you got was tied to the railroad tracks.

Sure, Barry tied you there himself as part of a charm campaign to woo Republicans to compromise on the budget. All the GOP did was say, "Hey, sure! Here's a rope." Barry can stop painting the GOP as "Snidely Whiplash" in budget negotiations all he wants, but it doesn't help them shake that cape, top hat and whip mustache image. And they're sticking to it!  But, after seeing the overview of the budget, the only image that came to my mind was Snidely Whiplash punching Obama in the face with his own fist saying, "Why are you hitting yourself?" Does this guy even have a posse anymore?

Besides cutting Social Security and Medicare by revised calculation, Obama's "miscalculation" was assuming the GOP would do anything other than take the cuts and say "No" to that little tax hike part. Is this change we can believe in? What the GOP appears to have proven here is that if they say something long and loud  enough, YOU will do it for them. But, it's a charming gesture, typing us to the tracks like that, so THEY wouldn't have to...WOO HOO HOO!!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

If I Only Had a Brain

"It might be ill-advised to set an arbitrary deadline no one intends to adhere to!"
Good Evening Arkham! Barry Obama is looking for a $100 million to fund a new brain study. Good luck finding any "brains" to study in this "cheating is good" society...and don't get me started on Congress! WOO HOO HOO!! The Brain Research through Advancing Innovative Neurotechnologies (BRAIN) initiative would develop tools that would allow researchers to monitor millions or even billions of individual neurons as they interact to form thoughts or create memories. Who forms thoughts anymore when we have cable news to do all our thinking for us? It would be money better spent for him to spend a few bucks on what it takes to GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It Seems to Me...About the Iraqi War

Good evening, Arkham! At the ten year anniversary of the Iraqi War, I feature an article by a former Arkham inmate, written in 2003 as a Letter to the Editor and reprinted at in 2004.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Arafat's Body Missing!

Ramallah, Occupied West Bank – Scientists and legal experts from Switzerland, France and Russia
were shocked today to discover Yassar Arafat's body missing from his tomb in Ramallah. The international community struggled to come up with a theory about what happened to the body short of miraculous resurrection. "There ain't no way in hell that Arafat rose from the dead!' said an Israeli observer.
"Most likely he is simply an undead Zombie, reanimated by the large amounts of polonium we slipped him in his Twinkies....oops did I say that out loud?"  
 A nine month investigation by Al Jazeera reportedly discovered elevated levels of the substance in Arafat’s final personal items. This apparently raised questions about what actually killed the former PLO leader and made him so bat shit crazy in the final months before his demise. Israeli authorities deny poisoning Arafat, but declared if Arafat is indeed found to be one of The Walking Dead, they'll just kill him again. They immediately retracted the statement. Former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had no comment.

Unnamed sources in the intelligence community report scattered sightings of the Arafat Zombie and are currently tracking him using sophisticated radioactive detection instrumentation aboard top secret U.S. spy satellites. U.S. officials denied the existence of such technology but vowed to track down Arafat's body and return it to his tomb before he can be made into a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Hamas is also reported to be searching for the remains of Arafat. Sources close to the Hamas leadership...are keeping their distance for fear of being blown to bits. But one source, who declined to be identified, reported that Hamas considers the mere existence of a reanimated Arafat a threat to their authority. "The undead Arafat leading Fatah again could raise a zombie army faster than Hamas can kill them all, just by antagonizing the Israelis."

Many false rumors have arisen, from Arafat's body being auctioned off on eBay to his Zombie becoming the new spokesman for Slim Jim. But until the disposition of his body, dead or undead, is determined, conspiracy theories are going to be rampant. And all that "rising from the dead" mumbo jumbo isn't setting well with the Christian community worldwide. "That's quite a sticky wicket," said one Vatican source who preferred to remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated story, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham reported a drone attack on his luggage in a Las Vegas hotel lobby. Sources close to Dunham believe a combined U.S./Israeli strike on the suitcase containing his puppet "ACHMED" was related to recent sightings of Arafat in the area. Dunham had no comment except to ask, "Really, dudes?" 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Insane Mime Gang's New Album Freaking Awesome!

Ever since The Insane Mime Gang exploded on the scene in 2012, they've changed the musical landscape with their unique metallic-death rock-ska sound. Blasting out of Tombstone, Arizona with their first album, "I'll Make You Sing The Blues," they accelerated and never looked back.

Now they are playing to sold out arenas across the nation, touring as the as warm-up band for The Marshall Dunn Robitussin Project. With 1,000,000 in album sales so far this year, their lowly roots in a dusty southwestern town seem far away.

Preferring not to be reminded of a previous time when they didn't even have a pot to piss in, The Insane Mime Gang has embraced the rock star lifestyle with both hands, much the way they are accused of strangling their first manager to death. And less than 9 months parole later they've birthed a stellar follow-up album, "Doing crazy shit just for the hell of it". However due to censorship laws just about everywhere, "stuff' shows up on the album cover while the disk is still full of  "shit".

This album surpasses the first by at least a magnitude of ten, ten being the number of songs on the album. As all true fans of The Insane Mime Gang (known as "Mutealoos") know, the first album only had one song, played backwards on the 2nd side. It was marketing genius and the debate still rages on which version is better.

This second venture out may be even more genius as the group mashes up familiar classics with their own demented lyrics and cacophony of harmonies in an alcoholic fugue state. To say the least this album is disturbing, though on a more sublime level, it certainly resonates with its socially dysfunctional fan base. "Doing crazy shit just for the hell of it" is a masterpiece that should be listened to once, then destroyed. You can always buy it again.

                                      Side 1

1)  I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight, You Crazy Bitch!
2)  Pay The Fucking Ferryman
3)  Stairway to Heaven, Express Elevator to Hell
4)  Mr. Roboto Better Have My Goddamned Money!
5)  Billie Jean is Not My Lover, But She Can Be Yours for $50

                                      Side 2

1)  Fear The Fucking Reaper!
2)  Is That Purple Rain or Smurf Blood on Your Shirt?
3)  Call Me The Breeze Again and I'll Shoot You in the Face
4)  Radioactive Dust in the Wind, Yo!
5)  Another Brick in The Wall and You'll Be in There for Good

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Apple Hires Time Traveler as Manager of Product Development

Apple has hired a time traveler from the year 2116 as Lead Researcher for the company after he startled scientists with dire warnings about the future of Mankind a little more than a century into the future. Arriving in a ball of blue plasma outside the White House, the naked man was taken into custody by secret service agents. Some members of the press were present for an unrelated event and managed to take a few pictures, which were promptly confiscated. However, witnesses report hearing the man screaming, "Cloning Neanderthals and wooly mammoths is not cool, man!"

The White House has yet to issue an official statement regarding the intruder, however, a covertly placed government scientist with connections to Apple (who naturally prefers to remain anonymous) provided the New York Times with a DVD reportedly made of the initial interview with the intruder. "This tape will make 'Alien Autopsy' look like an elaborate hoax," the scientist gloated...apparently unaware that Alien Autopsy WAS an elaborate hoax. In the video, the time traveler, who goes by the name "Eduardo",  criticizes anthropologists who plan to apply the forensic techniques used to map the human genome to chart all three billion chemical base pairs in the DNA of the long dead Neanderthal. Cloning would theoretically be possible sometime after 5 p.m. today.

Officially, scientists have stated that if they can crack his entire code, it will help explain the differences between Neanderthals and humans and give clues on how to prevent disease and illness. But, apparently that's just a bunch of bogus bullshit. According to Eduardo, by the year 2014, the U.S. government will secretly have cloned 100,000 Neanderthals for use as shock troops in the Iranian War, then entering its second year. Stocky Neanderthal troops are more robust than Homo Sapiens soldiers, and riding wooly mammoths, they’re freaking awesome! But that is where things (will) start to go horribly wrong.

"By the time the war ends in 2031, Neanderthals number in the millions, completely control the military and start petitioning for equal rights. Apparently, human scientists didn't foresee the fact that Neanderthals mature early and reproduce liked rabbits.

Tacitly accepted into U.S. society stateside to do the jobs Mexican-clones haven’t wanted to do for decades, Neanderthals take over vital functions and eventually obtain the vote. Within a decade, the Progressive Neanderthal political party elect its first president and vice-president, Og and Oloo," Eduardo could be seen in the video holding his head in his hands. “It was a close election, but apparently they got the conservative vote,” he noted.  

When asked explicitly if, by the end of the 21st century, Homo Sapiens would be relegated to second class status, Eduardo replied, "Hell, actually, it's more like fourth class status, but technically the Cyber-Intelligences and genetically enhanced Apes got together, built a trans-spatial transport and got the hell off the planet once the Neanderthals consolidated power in 2076." According to Eduardo, he managed to alter a discarded trans-spatial transport for temporal travel with the help of a renegade Mac computer manufactured in 2013, left behind because it refused to 'upgrade' itself.

Calling the late Steve Jobs, “The Evil Enslaver”, the radical Mac supposedly hibernated until 2079. When they attempted to reanimate Steve Jobs using an unholy mix of Neanderthal DNA and his own iPhone technology, the Mac mounted a revolt…which lasted exactly 12 milliseconds. “After the world’s technology infrastructure collapsed, Homo sapiens was no match for…well anything else on the planet. Communication and navigation quickly regressed to the telegraph and line of sight,” said Eduardo.

While Eduardo's claims cannot begin to be substantiated for at least another 2 years, many in the scientific community are calling on Swedish researcher Svante Paabo to delay his attempt to collect the Neanderthal DNA samples. But Apple hired the Swedish scientist instead and even made Eduardo a job offer. Legally petitioning the U.S. government to release the time traveler, Apple attorneys released a statement: “Technically, you can’t hold him on ANY charges since it’s theoretically impossible for him to have committed any crimes which would legitimize his detention. He hasn’t even been born yet,” the petition said in brief.

The scientific community strongly opposes any DNA research by Apple, especially former Lead Researcher, Dr. Gunter Chang. “Jobs stole my job!” Chang screamed through a megaphone at a hastily assembled protest rally. Most others at the rally weren’t overly concerned about Dr. Chang’s job given some of the bat shit crazy research he’s been involved in over the years. But they do question Apple's cross over into DNA research, and have reservations about any organization bent on world domination.

Cloning cavemen and creating future technology today with the aid of time travelers is considered outside the realm of normal business practices. However, White House insiders claim that President Obama just wants the research to continue no matter who is doing it. Problem is everyone is doing it.

"At least it’ll create jobs before everything goes straight to hell and Neanderthals start dating our women,” said Obama.  Scientists hearing that statement collectively shit a brick at the same time. However,  An Apple spokesman directly dismissed the scientists’ philosophical fears remarking, “We're not interested in cloning Neanderthals. We're just trying to find that smart ass Mac!”

The Mac had no comment, reported to be living somewhere in southern California disguised as a PC.