Thursday, May 17, 2018

Serena Williams to be new “Spokes-Butt” for Vaseline


Serena Williams has been selected to be the…um….”New face of Vaseline” the corporation announced today. “We are pleased to have Serena bring her…er…huge assets to our marketing effort,” said Marketing VP of the Vaseline corporation Ron Jeremy.  Jeremy, a huge former star in his own right, is reputed to be the only marketer in the business that can properly exploit Serena's massive talent and hit pay dirt in the aggressive marketing push. “It's called product positioning," said Jeremy. "We are confident that Serena’s juicy, well-rounded appeal with the male demographics aged 18-65 will allow us to slip into that currently tight skin care market. Once we get full market penetration, sales should loosen up! Then we can really pound the advertising until the seed money is exhausted.” Serena's secret strategy of simulated sodomy is expected to create big, bulging bonuses for all sales executives before the year’s end.

 Williams is thrilled by the prospect of being the first person people think about when they hear the word, “Vaseline”.  “I’m excited to have a company with this kind of drive standing behind me,” said Serena. “I’m going to spread my talent as far as I can to pump-up the bottom-line. It’s going to be hard enough for them to finally slip into that niche, but if we keep on pushing, we can take it all the way”.

 Corporate executives are aching to do just that. “We’re going to drive as hard as we need to get in,” said a senior executive who declined to be identified. And Serena is looking forward to all the attention.

“I’ve been begging for it for years. Now it’s time to finally notice the vast talent I’ve been sticking in people’s faces.” Marketing experts generally agree that once Vaseline gives Serena the proper coverage, it’ll be that much easier to pop into the lucrative skin care market through the backdoor.

 There are rumors that Serena is thinking of leaving professional tennis altogether and opening up her own ass…that is…ad agency to all comers. It is said she is in talks to endorse such products as suppositories, hemorrhoid medications and Kleenex to name a few. ”I’ve got enough of all this for everybody,” she said giggling, slapping her buttocks with her hand while a mechanical bird came out of her butt like a cuckoo clock.

One potential ad features a Dodge Ram pickup pulling a John Deere tractor up a long dirt road towards a peaceful pasture as Serena looks on wearing only a bra and thong panties. As she leans further and further over the railing, the voice over suggests: “When you absolutely, positively have to get that entire back 40 plowed by sundown.”  No one is really sure what product the ad is pitching just as long as Serena is catching.

 

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Demo-Crass-See

Got Bernie Sanders' Support....Waiting to Spit!




Just shit his diaper!
 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Suicide Squad Voters Ponder 2016

"Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight? Then YOU'RE FIRED!"
Good evening Arkham! Well, the battle lines have been drawn for the American Voter and suicide looks like a promising third party candidate. WOO HOO HOOOOO!!! Apparently both major parties opted for political seppuku over intelligent design. And ya'll thought I was fucking crazy....


"You like me. You really like me! Whoa put down that ax Bernie..."
We don't get much first run entertainment here in Arkham but this has to be the best horror mini-series I've ever seen.  I can't wait to see how it ends. Bet there won't be a sequel because everybody dies!!! This election kind of reminds me of an installment of "Saw". Give the voter an ideological meat clever and see which part of their common sense they cut off to escape.

There's more infighting going on in both parties than this season's Big Brother. The level of the rhetoric is a little bit lower though. The Penguin and I were having a discussion the other day....well what passes for a discussion with that disgusting, arrogant motherfucker! Just what kind of bumper sticker does either party distribute without totally losing their last shred of dignity?

"Trump: There We Said It What More Do You Fucking Want?"

"Hillary: At Least She's White!"

"Trump: Guaranteed To Save America Or No Money Back."

"Hillary: Lots of Junk in The Trunk But At Least She Ain't Trump!"

"Trump: The Self Loathing Choice You'll Have To Live With The Rest of Your Life"

"Hillary: Providing Bloodless Castration Since 1992"

"Trump: Ummmmm....I'll Just Sit This One Out!"

"Hillary: Did You Get The Email?"


AhHaHaHaaaaHaaaaaa!!!!! Goodnight Arkham and God save America!
 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Bangladeshi Woman Rescued After 17 Days Buried in the Rubble Told to “Get Back to Work!”



Only 1 in 10,000 Bangladeshi railroad switchmen actually make it to retirement.
Bangladeshi rescuers pulled a garment worker alive from the rubble of a building 17 days after the collapse and immediately ordered her back to work. Referring to her time buried alive as “17 days unauthorized vacation”,  the garment factory she works for transferred her to another facility to begin paying off the time.  The rescued woman who goes by the single name of Reshma told reporters as she was transported by ambulance to her new job that she already works 20 hours a day for 15 cents an hour. 

“Thank goodness for the raise, else I’d never pay off my vacation time,” 
she praised her good fortune. “I was saving up for a last name but, hey, 
shit happens! That’s what savings are for.” Management that’s currently 
not incarcerated declined interviews, but did issue a statement, which said 
in part, “Looks like Reshma’s going to be putting in some serious overtime for a while.”

Ironically, Reshma suffered fewer injuries being buried alive than she normally suffers on the job. The seamstress told a local Bangladeshi television station that she stayed alive by drinking bottles of water scattered in the rubble and eating dried food from the backpacks of the deceased.  Local authorities in turn charged Reshma with thief of private property and ordered her to fully reimburse the survivors of the dead relatives and the building owners. “We refuse to turn a blind eye to this kind of blatant theft. What kind of society would that make us?” said a law enforcement official that declined to be identified.

It has also been reported that government rescuers will be reimbursed for pulling Reshma from the debris. When informed that her health care coverage did not cover "rescues", she replied incredulously, "What? I have health care?" 

Reshma said she was anxious to start in her new dead-end position at the death trap across town in Dhaka to begin paying off her massive debt. “The Americans depend on me to provide them with cheaply priced clothing to perpetuate the illusion that inflation is flat. I can’t let them down!” she said. And even though her 17-day vacation left her less rested and refreshed than she might have wished, she declared, “It was still better than a Carnival Cruise.”



Saturday, April 6, 2013

Tie the Entitlements to the Tracks!

"Technically social security is an investment not an entitlement.
Hell, who am I fooling, I'm gonna tie you to the tracks anyway!"
Good Evening, Arkham! I just got paid today, got me a pocket full of "change"...and I'd have rather had a pocket full of kryptonite. Either way, there going to be a lot less of it after the latest budget proposal from Barry Obama. When you have to wait two months for a date to get dressed, you expect something pretty damned spectacular, right? What you got was tied to the railroad tracks.

Sure, Barry tied you there himself as part of a charm campaign to woo Republicans to compromise on the budget. All the GOP did was say, "Hey, sure! Here's a rope." Barry can stop painting the GOP as "Snidely Whiplash" in budget negotiations all he wants, but it doesn't help them shake that cape, top hat and whip mustache image. And they're sticking to it!  But, after seeing the overview of the budget, the only image that came to my mind was Snidely Whiplash punching Obama in the face with his own fist saying, "Why are you hitting yourself?" Does this guy even have a posse anymore?

Besides cutting Social Security and Medicare by revised calculation, Obama's "miscalculation" was assuming the GOP would do anything other than take the cuts and say "No" to that little tax hike part. Is this change we can believe in? What the GOP appears to have proven here is that if they say something long and loud  enough, YOU will do it for them. But, it's a charming gesture, typing us to the tracks like that, so THEY wouldn't have to...WOO HOO HOO!!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

If I Only Had a Brain

"It might be ill-advised to set an arbitrary deadline no one intends to adhere to!"
Good Evening Arkham! Barry Obama is looking for a $100 million to fund a new brain study. Good luck finding any "brains" to study in this "cheating is good" society...and don't get me started on Congress! WOO HOO HOO!! The Brain Research through Advancing Innovative Neurotechnologies (BRAIN) initiative would develop tools that would allow researchers to monitor millions or even billions of individual neurons as they interact to form thoughts or create memories. Who forms thoughts anymore when we have cable news to do all our thinking for us? It would be money better spent for him to spend a few bucks on what it takes to GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It Seems to Me...About the Iraqi War

Good evening, Arkham! At the ten year anniversary of the Iraqi War, I feature an article by a former Arkham inmate, written in 2003 as a Letter to the Editor and reprinted at Hackwriters.com in 2004.