Thursday, May 17, 2018

Serena Williams to be new “Spokes-Butt” for Vaseline

Serena Williams has been selected to be the…um….”New face of Vaseline” the corporation announced today. “We are pleased to have Serena bring her…er…huge assets to our marketing effort,” said Marketing VP of the Vaseline corporation Ron Jeremy.  Jeremy, a huge former star in his own right, is reputed to be the only marketer in the business that can properly exploit Serena's massive talent and hit pay dirt in the aggressive marketing push. “It's called product positioning," said Jeremy. "We are confident that Serena’s juicy, well-rounded appeal with the male demographics aged 18-65 will allow us to slip into that currently tight skin care market. Once we get full market penetration, sales should loosen up! Then we can really pound the advertising until the seed money is exhausted.” Serena's secret strategy of simulated sodomy is expected to create big, bulging bonuses for all sales executives before the year’s end.

 Williams is thrilled by the prospect of being the first person people think about when they hear the word, “Vaseline”.  “I’m excited to have a company with this kind of drive standing behind me,” said Serena. “I’m going to spread my talent as far as I can to pump-up the bottom-line. It’s going to be hard enough for them to finally slip into that niche, but if we keep on pushing, we can take it all the way”.

 Corporate executives are aching to do just that. “We’re going to drive as hard as we need to get in,” said a senior executive who declined to be identified. And Serena is looking forward to all the attention.

“I’ve been begging for it for years. Now it’s time to finally notice the vast talent I’ve been sticking in people’s faces.” Marketing experts generally agree that once Vaseline gives Serena the proper coverage, it’ll be that much easier to pop into the lucrative skin care market through the backdoor.

 There are rumors that Serena is thinking of leaving professional tennis altogether and opening up her own ass…that is…ad agency to all comers. It is said she is in talks to endorse such products as suppositories, hemorrhoid medications and Kleenex to name a few. ”I’ve got enough of all this for everybody,” she said giggling, slapping her buttocks with her hand while a mechanical bird came out of her butt like a cuckoo clock.

One potential ad features a Dodge Ram pickup pulling a John Deere tractor up a long dirt road towards a peaceful pasture as Serena looks on wearing only a bra and thong panties. As she leans further and further over the railing, the voice over suggests: “When you absolutely, positively have to get that entire back 40 plowed by sundown.”  No one is really sure what product the ad is pitching just as long as Serena is catching.


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