Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Joker's Fuse: Countdown to Oblivion

We’re finally back at Arkham after being evacuated to New Orleans in front of hurricane Gustav. They called it a “vacation”, thinking that shipping us INTO the danger zone might serve as a little attitude adjustment. You can imagine Aquaman’s disappointment when the storm veered west. He’s a swimming fool. I really do believe that big Cajun could have escaped in the storm surge if Gustav had hit, but he certainly can’t walk very far. And I’m a little skeptical about him being able to talk to fish, but who am I to hold being an Obama supporter against him? Enough about us, how was YOUR holiday?

In politics, this election season is about as lucid and comprehendible as an episode of “LOST”. So far, it’s been a good, a bad and an ugly week for McCain at the convention. First the good: General Zod is out and the shape-changing Mystique a.k.a. Sarah Palin is in as his running mate, milking the angst created by the DNC like snake venom. The Democratic Convention was like a mummy pissing gasoline…the fuse was just hanging out there anyway, and all it took was one, little spark…

So what if Palin has some “personal” family issues? I had family issues, and look how well I turned out, so please go on. She’s embroiled in an investigation involving the firing of a public safety commissioner ? Ooooo, a take charge kind of woman, plus everybody likes a little intrigue. So far so good. She fishes, shoots guns and wrestles moose. Yeah, baby, there’s just no downside to this Sarah Palin. AH, HA, HA, HA, HAAA!

Now, the bad: that public safety commissioner says he was fired for failing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Zod would have torn him limb from limb, so at least she’s a “compassionate conservative”. But it’s still not going to play too well in the union states. She also left the small town she was mayor of $20 million in debt. Big deal, they can always move and, yes, Bush economic policies are no longer a deal killer after the past 8 years. But Bush’s approval rating is such a drag, Eddie Murphy tried to pick it up last night. Better release Bush directly to DVD during the convention.

Finally, the ugly: after preparing to suspend much of the convention in lieu of photo-ops from a devastated New Orleans, Gustav shrunk and dodged like a drunk sailor seeing Anne Rice in the light for the first time. Suddenly, we’re back to, “Bush, you’re on in 5-4-3-2-1….ACTION. And somebody change Cheney’s plutonium battery, he’s on next.” Rather than diverting direct questions about Palin by being cloaked in a disaster, McCain’s handlers now have to answer every question with, “That’s a personal matter, but let me tell ya, she’s more qualified than Obama.”

This still distracts from the fact that the vetting process is looking a little shaky, kind of like a last minute date before prom night. “Hello, Condi, wanna be my date? No? Well, screw you, I’m taking a REAL fox.” Then McCain ends up drunk calling all the numbers in his black book until someone answers, and shows up with the girl from “Carrie”. No disrespect for “Carrie” by the way…she’s here in Arkham, too and still plenty pissed about the Democratic Convention. But when you get back at the guy who dumped you on prom night by getting drunk and sleeping with a creep you never liked before…you’ve got one hell of an awkward moment waiting the next morning. But by then the election will be over and you’ll take the “walk of shame” all the way back home. The GOP can probably pull this off unless the National Enquirer has pictures of McCain and Palin clubbing baby seals.

Even then it won’t matter. Obama didn’t even get a bounce after the convention, women are defecting to the GOP, a former rural mayor has more political clout than a former First Lady, hurricanes refuse to cooperate and cats are sleeping with dogs. It’s a political apocalypse! And while many defectors from the Democratic Party will be waking up next to another “old man” after election day, Obama will awaken nursing an election hang-over from the stale cask of Amontillado he’s been drinking out of since the nomination. He’ll still try to take the express elevator to 2012 but soon find himself walled in by political oblivion, laid brick by brick by Hillary’s Hoards. Similarly, they’ll turn in time to find themselves chained to the wall and the last brick being put in place on ideals they set aside for the sake of vengeance. “Why so serious?” the GOP changlings will ask just before the darkness falls.

As Palin and McCain silently stroll hand-in-hand towards the light, they’ll hear one last conversation between the two walled in factions of the once formidable Democratic party, reduced to Fortunato waiting for his Amontillado : "Ha ! ha ! ha ! - he ! he ! - a very good joke indeed - an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo - he ! he ! he ! - over our wine - he ! he ! he !" Run again in 2012? Maybe, but, if you’re using a Mayan calendar, it should all be over by then. The GOP certainly can’t match Gustav in the wind department, but they sure have it on spin. And this political train-wreck provides more suspense than most of the fall line-up put together. But, I’m not worried. I’m an inmate at Arkham and a two-dimensional construct used as a vehicle for satire. But, all of you out there…should be in here. Because you f**kers ARE crazy! AH, HA, HAA, HAAA, HAAA!

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