were shocked today to discover Yassar Arafat's body missing from his tomb in Ramallah. The international community struggled to come up with a theory about what happened to the body short of miraculous resurrection. "There ain't no way in hell that Arafat rose from the dead!' said an Israeli observer.
"Most likely he is simply an undead Zombie, reanimated by the large amounts of polonium we slipped him in his Twinkies....oops did I say that out loud?"
A nine month investigation by Al Jazeera reportedly discovered elevated levels of the substance in Arafat’s final personal items. This apparently raised questions about what actually killed the former PLO leader and made him so bat shit crazy in the final months before his demise. Israeli authorities deny poisoning Arafat, but declared if Arafat is indeed found to be one of The Walking Dead, they'll just kill him again. They immediately retracted the statement. Former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had no comment.
Unnamed sources in the intelligence community report scattered sightings of the Arafat Zombie and are currently tracking him using sophisticated radioactive detection instrumentation aboard top secret U.S. spy satellites. U.S. officials denied the existence of such technology but vowed to track down Arafat's body and return it to his tomb before he can be made into a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Hamas is also reported to be searching for the remains of Arafat. Sources close to the Hamas leadership...are keeping their distance for fear of being blown to bits. But one source, who declined to be identified, reported that Hamas considers the mere existence of a reanimated Arafat a threat to their authority. "The undead Arafat leading Fatah again could raise a zombie army faster than Hamas can kill them all, just by antagonizing the Israelis."
Many false rumors have arisen, from Arafat's body being auctioned off on eBay to his Zombie becoming the new spokesman for Slim Jim. But until the disposition of his body, dead or undead, is determined, conspiracy theories are going to be rampant. And all that "rising from the dead" mumbo jumbo isn't setting well with the Christian community worldwide. "That's quite a sticky wicket," said one Vatican source who preferred to remain anonymous.
Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated story, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham reported a drone attack on his luggage in a Las Vegas hotel lobby. Sources close to Dunham believe a combined U.S./Israeli strike on the suitcase containing his puppet "ACHMED" was related to recent sightings of Arafat in the area. Dunham had no comment except to ask, "Really, dudes?"
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