Sunday, November 11, 2012

"How to Know When it's Time to Go!"

       “How to Know When it’s Time to Go!” 

          By May Helm, VP Human Relations, StrangleCorp, Inc.

In my 30 years as a professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment many times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects universally applicable. There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out of Dodge. How do you know when it’s time to go? Let an expert tell you the top five ways.

1)       You reject a promotion.

The first thing you have to ask yourself when faced with an unexpected promotion is, “Why me?” If you haven’t really done anything extraordinary, survived a catastrophic attrition process or even spent sufficient time in the trenches, you should have reason to suspect. Obviously, something else is at work in this decision and your number one job is to figure out what that is. If there are no reasons that readily come to mind, RUN! The only reason you are being promoted is to take the fall for someone in upper management and spend time in prison. Perhaps even be the body that is discovered at the scene. 

It’s not your charming personality…Koch Industries doesn’t hire on the basis of personality and you know it. So if you know what’s good for you…and actually you don’t or else you wouldn’t be working for us, but let’s pretend…then you’d better be running. Because once you turn down a promotion at Koch Industries, you may as well put on a red-shirt and beam down to the planet, because you are the next casualty on the agenda, Bubba.

2)       You failed to select your references wisely.

References are good for getting you a job, but they can also be instrumental in your losing a job in the worst way: trying to use YOU as a reference to get a job at Koch Industries. Sure, you’ve been bragging to your friends about the great benefits and travel your job brings you. What made you think they wouldn’t want a piece of that action? Such a breech of confidentiality is fatal to your future employment at Koch Industries, so as soon as you hear about any reference, acquaintance, friend, bowling buddy or casual drug dealer inquiring about employment at Koch Industries and tossing your name around, discreetly exit the back door, get plastic surgery and move to an isolated jungle region. It won’t help…we’ll find you…but you’ll at least have the temporary false illusion of escape before dying horrifically of cholera.  

3)       You scrutinized your supervisor and discovered a flaw.

This is a double-edged sword because the same action COULD get you promoted. Koch Industries absolutely abhors under-performance, especially in the management ranks. But, the time between discovery of the abovementioned flaw and your promotion into his newly vacated position is just long enough to get you killed. You might want to consider the possibility that your car exploding in the driveway might have been the result of a faulty timer, not rival henchmen. 

And the poison darts from a blowgun hitting the spectator standing next to you at a sporting event just MIGHT have been intended for you. After all, who gave you those tickets? Koch Industries has discreet channels through which you may report an under-performing supervisor. In fact, we encourage snitching. But, if you had the bad judgment to blurt out to your supervisor, “It’s HF acid that dissolves bone, you idiot, not HCL,” then you might ought to consider a hasty retreat before your next performance review.

 4)       You make money your first priority.

In a perfect world, a pleasant job, good co-workers and good pay go hand in hand. But you work at Koch Industries, so screw that notion. We pay well, that’s for sure, but your co-workers are as unscrupulous as you are, and the work is dangerous. One of the worst career moves you could possibly make is leaving a "mundane and moderately paid" position for a "difficult and highly paid" one at Koch Industries, especially when your heart really isn’t in your work. Seriously, do you think assassins are in the job for the travel or because they can keep flexible hours? Hell no, they like whacking people and the money is just gravy. 

So, if you’re really not into your job, then you’ll quickly realize you aren’t making nearly enough money to compensate for the personal risk and increased stress. And once it becomes clear that longevity is not a given, the salary becomes a moot point. A high salary is not a benefit unless you live long enough to enjoy it. So if you’re not enjoying your job, get the hell out.

5)       You got drunk at the Christmas party and insulted Mr. Koch in front of his women.

 You…are…dead! That goes without saying, and in all likelihood you’d never make it out of the party alive. But, let’s say that the slight wasn’t really that bad. Perhaps you second-guessed his style of tie, or maybe casually joked about his golf score. You didn’t really think he’d let that go, did you? Oh, no, the first thing you should realize is that Mr. Koch is most likely bidding his time, waiting for the perfect set of circumstances to off you in a bizarre and spectacular way while accomplishing any number of nefarious deeds. 

He certainly does like getting the most mileage out of his minions, so before you succumb to one of his many maniacal mousetraps, discreetly resign and fake your own death. That’s not to say Mr. Koch wouldn’t want to resurrect you and make you part of his new zombie workforce, randomly throwing holy water on you just to watch you writhe in pain. So you might ought select a surrogate minion to take the fall for you. Since zombies all look alike, you just might get away. Be sure and pick someone too stupid to know when to quit. Who knows, even if Mr. Koch discovers the duplicity and gets over being pissed off, he just might see your resourcefulness and management potential and promote you. He can always kill you later. Meanwhile, enjoy the additional benefits. You deserve them.

No comments: