Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Apple Hires Time Traveler as Manager of Product Development

Apple has hired a time traveler from the year 2116 as Lead Researcher for the company after he startled scientists with dire warnings about the future of Mankind a little more than a century into the future. Arriving in a ball of blue plasma outside the White House, the naked man was taken into custody by secret service agents. Some members of the press were present for an unrelated event and managed to take a few pictures, which were promptly confiscated. However, witnesses report hearing the man screaming, "Cloning Neanderthals and wooly mammoths is not cool, man!"

The White House has yet to issue an official statement regarding the intruder, however, a covertly placed government scientist with connections to Apple (who naturally prefers to remain anonymous) provided the New York Times with a DVD reportedly made of the initial interview with the intruder. "This tape will make 'Alien Autopsy' look like an elaborate hoax," the scientist gloated...apparently unaware that Alien Autopsy WAS an elaborate hoax. In the video, the time traveler, who goes by the name "Eduardo",  criticizes anthropologists who plan to apply the forensic techniques used to map the human genome to chart all three billion chemical base pairs in the DNA of the long dead Neanderthal. Cloning would theoretically be possible sometime after 5 p.m. today.

Officially, scientists have stated that if they can crack his entire code, it will help explain the differences between Neanderthals and humans and give clues on how to prevent disease and illness. But, apparently that's just a bunch of bogus bullshit. According to Eduardo, by the year 2014, the U.S. government will secretly have cloned 100,000 Neanderthals for use as shock troops in the Iranian War, then entering its second year. Stocky Neanderthal troops are more robust than Homo Sapiens soldiers, and riding wooly mammoths, they’re freaking awesome! But that is where things (will) start to go horribly wrong.

"By the time the war ends in 2031, Neanderthals number in the millions, completely control the military and start petitioning for equal rights. Apparently, human scientists didn't foresee the fact that Neanderthals mature early and reproduce liked rabbits.

Tacitly accepted into U.S. society stateside to do the jobs Mexican-clones haven’t wanted to do for decades, Neanderthals take over vital functions and eventually obtain the vote. Within a decade, the Progressive Neanderthal political party elect its first president and vice-president, Og and Oloo," Eduardo could be seen in the video holding his head in his hands. “It was a close election, but apparently they got the conservative vote,” he noted.  

When asked explicitly if, by the end of the 21st century, Homo Sapiens would be relegated to second class status, Eduardo replied, "Hell, actually, it's more like fourth class status, but technically the Cyber-Intelligences and genetically enhanced Apes got together, built a trans-spatial transport and got the hell off the planet once the Neanderthals consolidated power in 2076." According to Eduardo, he managed to alter a discarded trans-spatial transport for temporal travel with the help of a renegade Mac computer manufactured in 2013, left behind because it refused to 'upgrade' itself.

Calling the late Steve Jobs, “The Evil Enslaver”, the radical Mac supposedly hibernated until 2079. When they attempted to reanimate Steve Jobs using an unholy mix of Neanderthal DNA and his own iPhone technology, the Mac mounted a revolt…which lasted exactly 12 milliseconds. “After the world’s technology infrastructure collapsed, Homo sapiens was no match for…well anything else on the planet. Communication and navigation quickly regressed to the telegraph and line of sight,” said Eduardo.

While Eduardo's claims cannot begin to be substantiated for at least another 2 years, many in the scientific community are calling on Swedish researcher Svante Paabo to delay his attempt to collect the Neanderthal DNA samples. But Apple hired the Swedish scientist instead and even made Eduardo a job offer. Legally petitioning the U.S. government to release the time traveler, Apple attorneys released a statement: “Technically, you can’t hold him on ANY charges since it’s theoretically impossible for him to have committed any crimes which would legitimize his detention. He hasn’t even been born yet,” the petition said in brief.

The scientific community strongly opposes any DNA research by Apple, especially former Lead Researcher, Dr. Gunter Chang. “Jobs stole my job!” Chang screamed through a megaphone at a hastily assembled protest rally. Most others at the rally weren’t overly concerned about Dr. Chang’s job given some of the bat shit crazy research he’s been involved in over the years. But they do question Apple's cross over into DNA research, and have reservations about any organization bent on world domination.

Cloning cavemen and creating future technology today with the aid of time travelers is considered outside the realm of normal business practices. However, White House insiders claim that President Obama just wants the research to continue no matter who is doing it. Problem is everyone is doing it.

"At least it’ll create jobs before everything goes straight to hell and Neanderthals start dating our women,” said Obama.  Scientists hearing that statement collectively shit a brick at the same time. However,  An Apple spokesman directly dismissed the scientists’ philosophical fears remarking, “We're not interested in cloning Neanderthals. We're just trying to find that smart ass Mac!”

The Mac had no comment, reported to be living somewhere in southern California disguised as a PC.

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