6 November 2012
Charles and David Koch
Koch Industries
666 Koch Avenue
Koch, Kansas
RE: President of the United States
Dear Human Resources Manager:
I am applying for the position of President of the United States.
Please find attached my resume. I’ve seen this ad running for several
months now and I conclude that you have been unsuccessful in locating a
suitable candidate.
I believe I have the skills, experience and sheer ruthlessness to be a
“good fit” in this position. I am a “results oriented” manager well
versed in “thinking out of the box”.
The last four years have seen a “paradigm shift” from admiration of
the wealthy to overt hostility. Please allow me to give you an overview
of my solutions on three major issues affecting these United States.
1) The Economy: Rather than waste time with
“jibba-jabba” about lowering tax rates for select groups of people, I
propose a rock solid investment in the future of America: Wars of
Conquest. While inflation has been reported as flat (when you take out
mundane factors such as food and fuel), your average consumer has seen
their paycheck also remain flat. Meanwhile, the cost of feeding a family
has steadily arisen when you factor in a little thing called serving
size. And don’t get me started of what it costs to fill up a Hummer
these days!
What my Wars of Conquest strategy will do is launch a series of wars
against the most prosperous nations around the globe and take their
stuff. Then we’ll bring that stuff home and give it to you. Simple as
that. After all, why should THEY have stuff when you don’t? The
abundance of stuff in the economy will drive down the prices of other
stuff…such as food, fuel and electronics. I will drive down your cost of
living and pass the savings on to you!
Besides stuff, we’ll bring home cheap labor. Let’s face it. Mexicans
have been in the United States so long, they’re as lazy as we are. You
just can’t get a decent 18 hours work out of an illegal alien anymore.
So after the Wars of Conquest wind down, I propose we bring new labor
from abroad and put them to work doing the mindless crap we do on a
daily basis. Imagine having your very own custom French guy to clean up
that wine cellar and cut your cheese, or go "green" and have a Kenyan to “run down to Whole
Foods” for some tofu. If you want a Japanese nuclear engineer to do your
kid’s homework, you can have it.
My Wars of Conquest strategy will not only raise the standard of
living for EVERY American. It will give them more free time to do the
important things Americans like to do, like play video games. Need a
German programmer to hack those cheat codes for you? Just pick one out
of our vast Human Resources catalog and in 4-6 weeks time, he/she will
arrive at your doorstep.
2) Tax Reform: The Tax Code as we know it is an
unfathomable mess of restrictive rules written in an alien legalese.
Most people in the 50’s thought that any alien invasion would involve
spaceships and death rays. As you know, an invasion by a single ship
full of alien lawyers and tycoons seeking a tax shelter for their vast
galactic wealth subdued the United States in 1926 and used it as a proxy
weapon against the rest of the world. Their insidious weapon:
selectively ambiguous taxation.
Fortunately, as the valuation on this chunk of rock we called Earth
started to plummet in 2005, our Alien Overlords cashed out and left us
with this huge deficit. Rather than raise taxes, I propose we eliminate
taxes altogether. So how do I propose to raise revenue? Advertising on
the Moon. The Moon is the most viewable object on Earth, even more than
that viral sex tape of Rush Limbaugh and Nancy Grace.
Using a combination of advanced HAARP technology coupled with black
magic relics captured from the Vatican, I propose to create holographic
images on the Moon in return for huge advertising fees. It will start
with just a “Your Logo Here” image, but as the revenue starts pouring
in, global corporations will flock to have a 30 second ad projected
across the face of the Moon. This revenue will in turn eliminate the
need for the average American to pay any income taxes while fueling our
infrastructure improvement. Corporate dollars will finance the foreign
labor rebuilding our roads, bridges and government casinos. But,
corporate dollars can only fund so much. To finance future Wars of
Conquest, my “Kilroy Casino Project” will allow the government to reap
in gambling losses what they never could in legitimate taxation.
3) Social Engineering: The need to live in a safe
society full of only pretty people is paramount to any civilization. My
solution: passive sedation. As with any “perfect’ social system, there
occasionally arises conflict between the separate levels of the social
order (commonly referred to as “Us” and “Them”). To eliminate the
potential of disruptive social dialog and moral confusion, I propose we
sedate a vast majority of “Them” so that no more than 47% of the entire
population is awake at any one time. The optimum solution would be to
sedate all of “Them” but someone has to be awake to make that Canadian
mow the grass or dress that French guy as a mime of the amusement of
“Us”.
Masses of griping “Little People” are a major distraction. In my
first term as President, I will introduce an upgrade to the iPhone that
will allow the surgical implantation of the device. Creating images
directly in the human brain by hallucination inducing technology, the
need for screen and keyboards will be obsolete. Millions of people will
type their inane Tweets in mid-air and open their emails with the blink
of an eye. The ability to access Facebook or play video games anytime,
anywhere will overload their little brains inside of a week, resulting
in a self-induced catatonic state.
Furthermore, we can use this self-sedated population as a power
source. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “The average human body can
only produce about 100 watts of power. That’s only a light bulb, I can’t
recharge my iPad with that!” True. And if you know that,
congratulations, you’re entirely too smart to be one of “Them”. However,
with 53% of the population sedated that adds up, and our energy usage
will also fall to unprecedented levels, providing us with the energy
independence we’ve always wanted.
But, it’s not entirely about the energy. It’s about a little peace
and quiet. Highly trained crews of Russian slave labor will be standing
by relocate the “Neo-Zombies” to power generation centers across the
country. This is where they will remain out of sight silently running
our light bulbs and Christmas lights until we awaken them. If we ever
wake them up, that is.
I would like to express my continued interest in the position of
President of the United States and would appreciate discussing the
specifics with you at your convenience. Please peruse my resume and I’m
certain you will understand why I am the best person for the job.
Contact me any time at my undisclosed location. I am looking forward to
working for you!
Sincerely;
Kilroy 
