Serena Williams has been selected to
be the…um….”New face of Vaseline” the corporation announced today. “We are
pleased to have Serena bring her…er…huge assets to our marketing effort,” said
Marketing VP of the Vaseline corporation Ron Jeremy. Jeremy, a huge
former star in his own right, is reputed to be the only marketer in the
business that can properly exploit Serena's massive talent and hit pay dirt in
the aggressive marketing push. “It's called product positioning," said
Jeremy. "We are confident that Serena’s juicy, well-rounded appeal with
the male demographics aged 18-65 will allow us to slip into that currently
tight skin care market. Once we get full market penetration, sales should
loosen up! Then we can really pound the advertising until the seed money is
exhausted.” Serena's secret strategy of simulated sodomy is expected to create
big, bulging bonuses for all sales executives before the year’s end.
Williams is thrilled by the
prospect of being the first person people think about when they hear the word,
“Vaseline”. “I’m excited to have a company with this kind of drive
standing behind me,” said Serena. “I’m going to spread my talent as far as I
can to pump-up the bottom-line. It’s going to be hard enough for them to
finally slip into that niche, but if we keep on pushing, we can take it all the
way”.
Corporate executives are
aching to do just that. “We’re going to drive as hard as we need to get in,”
said a senior executive who declined to be identified. And Serena is looking
forward to all the attention.
“I’ve been begging for it for years.
Now it’s time to finally notice the vast talent I’ve been sticking in people’s
faces.” Marketing experts generally agree that once Vaseline gives Serena the
proper coverage, it’ll be that much easier to pop into the lucrative skin care
market through the backdoor.
There are rumors that Serena
is thinking of leaving professional tennis altogether and opening up her own
ass…that is…ad agency to all comers. It is said she is in talks to endorse such
products as suppositories, hemorrhoid medications and Kleenex to name a few.
”I’ve got enough of all this for everybody,” she said giggling, slapping her
buttocks with her hand while a mechanical bird came out of her butt like a
cuckoo clock.
One potential ad features a Dodge
Ram pickup pulling a John Deere tractor up a long dirt road towards a peaceful
pasture as Serena looks on wearing only a bra and thong panties. As she leans
further and further over the railing, the voice over suggests: “When you
absolutely, positively have to get that entire back 40 plowed by sundown.”
No one is really sure what product the ad is pitching just as long as
Serena is catching.
