Saddam’s "24"

12:00:00 a.m.- Saddam arrives and is greeted by a contingent of 72 virgins.

12:00:05 a.m.- Saddam striped naked, tortured and cruelly mocked by 72 Harpies of Hell for actually believing he went to Paradise.

12:00:06-1:30 a.m.-Saddam given excruciatingly boring Power Point indoctrination by two minor demons of Hell. He receives a laminated map in his welcome packet outlining the various Domains of the Underworld.

1:30-1:35 a.m.- Lunch provided. Hussein consumes his own testicles on two dry, unsalted soda crackers. No water provided.

1:35-4:30 a.m.- Power Point presentation continues.

4:30-7:30 a.m.- Satan’s Vice-President of Misery escorts Saddam to each Domain of Hell and provides samples.

7:30-10:30-a..m.- Power Point presentation continues. Saddam falls asleep.

10:30-10:32 a.m.- Saddam awakens from a nap surrounded by 72 Virgins and realizes that his trip to Hell was only a Dream. He is then really awakened and realizes it is once again a cruel hoax.

10:32 a.m.-Noon- Saddam attends a group therapy session with Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini. Mocked and humiliated by the trio as a second-rate amateur when it comes to being a fascist dictator and ostracized. Agrees to become Idi Amin’s Hell bitch for protection.

Noon-1:00 p.m.-Lunch with Uday. Meal catered by Jeffrey Dahmer followed by a game of "Guess Who’s in the Soup?"

1:00- 4:45 p.m.-Power Point presentation continues with history of cannibalism and the general Rules and Regulations of Hell. Suffers intense gas and determines Qusay was in the soup.

4:45-5:00 p.m. Afterword by Satan. Informed that a test will follow.

5:00-6:00 p.m. 1000 question test over the day’s lesson. All essay.

6:00-9:00 p.m. Waiting for final grade in Limbo with Yassir Arafat and Ariel Sharon, watching reruns of "Star Trek: Voyager".

9:00-Midnight. Going over each wrong question in laborious detail with the promise of spending "time" in each area of Hell that he failed.

Midnight-Eternity: Fails to get a single question right; pondering how his brutal earthly rule pales in comparison to the tortures of Hell he is fully indoctrinated and released into the general population.