No one wanted to believe the newest X-Files movie would suck, but by all accounts it sucked worst than a vacuum cleaner in a black-hole. The box office was a harsh realm for director Chris Carter the very first weekend as the new X-Files movie opened in the number 4 position, thoroughly trounced by the likes of "Mama Mia" and "Step-Brothers". To add insult to injury, the movie then proceeded to fall out of the top ten faster than a UFO blip disappearing from a radar screen. The final indignity came when "Space Chimps" reached suborbital status and threw monkey crap as the X-Files lost its fragile hold on the top ten, effectively banishing the cinematic misfire into the abyss of obscurity.
"The X-Files had about as much of a chance against the "Dark Knight" as road-kill, but DAMN!" lamented Chris Carter. His normally sunny disposition now resembles chronically depressed Frank Black from the agonizingly nihilistic "Millennium" series of the late 90’s. Die hard fans were especially dismayed by the long awaited sequel and no amount of group therapy is going to change that. However, director Chris Carter wants to believe he has a solution to the problem: a Director’s Cut of the film.
"I’ve put together a Director’s Cut of this movie that I think will appeal to a greater number of people," said Carter, idly playing with a loaded gun. "It features all the scenes the fans REALLY wanted to see, but ended up on the cutting room floor." Most critics agree that fans would probably want to see a plausible plot with good pacing and action but Carter apparently had other ideas.
"What is it fans want? Huh? Huh?" asked Carter menacingly, twirling the loaded gun around his finger. "I-I-I…don’t know. An affordable movie experience that doesn’t insult one’s intelligence?" one reporter offered, slowly backing out of the room. "No!" Carter answered. "Sex between Scully and Mulder!’ After all the reporters came stampeding back into the room, Carter showed a clip from his new Director’s Cut.
As the traditional "Boom-Cha-Ka-Waa-Waa" adult movie soundtrack filled the room, Scully and Mulder caressing, then slowly undressing each other brought whistles and rounds of applause. But the biggest plot twist was when Inspector Skinner made a cameo as an undercover pizza delivery driver and joined in, suggesting that Scully’s high buttoned blouses mask an insatiable, sultry, siren underneath.
Unfortunately, the 1 minute and 38 second sex scene soon gave way to the same tofu version of an action movie, weighted down by stem cells, body parts and Father Joe. And what started out as a promising erotic departure devolved into Mulder attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation while Skinner glared at him with disgust and Scully looked understandably frustrated. While it has been rumored for years, this scene from the Director’s Cut proved once and for all that Chris Carter truly can f**k up a wet dream.
Earlier this summer, some may recall previews of "The Happening" showing people throwing themselves off of buildings. What you may not know is that was actual footage following the pre-screening of "I Want to Believe". And the biggest mystery is NOT why "X-Files" did so badly, but how "Step-Brothers" did so well. Some mysteries may never be solved, but for the conspiracy nuts out there, there are rumored to be photographs of a Cigarette Smoking Man on the set with Will Ferrell. No one is saying there’s a conspiracy to discredit Mulder and Scully one last time, but, any movie that is worst than a Will Ferrell movie is apocalyptic in nature. The truth is probably out there…somewhere… but I’ll just let the Dark Knight and Frank Black sort it all out.
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