“How to Know When it’s Time to Go!”
By May Helm, VP Human Relations, StrangleCorp, Inc.
In my 30 years as a
professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment
many times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its
own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects
universally applicable. There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of
keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out
of Dodge. How do you know when it’s time to go? Let an expert tell you the top
five ways.
1)
You
reject a promotion.
The first thing you
have to ask yourself when faced with an unexpected promotion is, “Why me?” If
you haven’t really done anything extraordinary, survived a catastrophic
attrition process or even spent sufficient time in the trenches, you should
have reason to suspect. Obviously, something else is at work in this decision
and your number one job is to figure out what that is. If there are no reasons
that readily come to mind, RUN! The only reason you are being promoted is to
take the fall for someone in upper management and spend time in prison. Perhaps
even be the body that is discovered at the scene.
It’s not your charming
personality…Koch Industries doesn’t hire on the basis of personality and you know
it. So if you know what’s good for you…and actually you don’t or else you
wouldn’t be working for us, but let’s pretend…then you’d better be running.
Because once you turn down a promotion at Koch Industries, you may as well put on
a red-shirt and beam down to the planet, because you are the next casualty on
the agenda, Bubba.
2)
You
failed to select your references wisely.
References are good
for getting you a job, but they can also be instrumental in your losing a job
in the worst way: trying to use YOU as a reference to get a job at
Koch Industries. Sure, you’ve been bragging to your friends about the great
benefits and travel your job brings you. What made you think they wouldn’t want
a piece of that action? Such a breech of confidentiality is fatal to your
future employment at Koch Industries, so as soon as you hear about any reference,
acquaintance, friend, bowling buddy or casual drug dealer inquiring about
employment at Koch Industries and tossing your name around, discreetly exit the
back door, get plastic surgery and move to an isolated jungle region. It won’t
help…we’ll find you…but you’ll at least have the temporary false illusion of
escape before dying horrifically of cholera.
3)
You
scrutinized your supervisor and discovered a flaw.
This is a
double-edged sword because the same action COULD get you promoted. Koch Industries
absolutely abhors under-performance, especially in the management ranks. But,
the time between discovery of the abovementioned flaw and your promotion into
his newly vacated position is just long enough to get you killed. You might
want to consider the possibility that your car exploding in the driveway might
have been the result of a faulty timer, not rival henchmen.
And the poison
darts from a blowgun hitting the spectator standing next to you at a sporting
event just MIGHT have been intended for you. After all, who gave you those
tickets? Koch Industries has
discreet channels through which you may report an under-performing supervisor.
In fact, we encourage snitching. But, if you had the bad judgment to blurt out
to your supervisor, “It’s HF acid that dissolves bone, you idiot, not HCL,”
then you might ought to consider a hasty retreat before your next performance
review.
4)
You
make money your first priority.
In a perfect world,
a pleasant job, good co-workers and good pay go hand in hand. But you work at Koch Industries, so screw that notion. We pay well, that’s for sure, but your
co-workers are as unscrupulous as you are, and the work is dangerous. One of
the worst career moves you could possibly make is leaving a "mundane and
moderately paid" position for a "difficult and highly paid" one
at Koch Industries, especially when your heart really isn’t in your work.
Seriously, do you think assassins are in the job for the travel or because they
can keep flexible hours? Hell no, they like whacking people and the money is
just gravy.
So, if you’re really not into your job, then you’ll quickly realize
you aren’t making nearly enough money to compensate for the personal risk and
increased stress. And once it becomes clear that longevity is not a given, the
salary becomes a moot point. A high salary is not a benefit unless you live
long enough to enjoy it. So if you’re not enjoying your job, get the hell out.
5)
You
got drunk at the Christmas party and insulted Mr. Koch in front of his
women.
You…are…dead! That
goes without saying, and in all likelihood you’d never make it out of the party
alive. But, let’s say that the slight wasn’t really that bad. Perhaps you
second-guessed his style of tie, or maybe casually joked about his golf score.
You didn’t really think he’d let that go, did you? Oh, no, the first thing you
should realize is that Mr. Koch is most likely bidding his time, waiting
for the perfect set of circumstances to off you in a bizarre and spectacular
way while accomplishing any number of nefarious deeds.
He certainly does like
getting the most mileage out of his minions, so before you succumb to one of
his many maniacal mousetraps, discreetly resign and fake your own death. That’s
not to say Mr. Koch wouldn’t want to resurrect you and make you part of his
new zombie workforce, randomly throwing holy water on you just to watch you
writhe in pain. So you might ought select a surrogate minion to take the fall for
you. Since zombies all look alike, you just might get away. Be sure and pick
someone too stupid to know when to quit. Who knows, even if Mr. Koch
discovers the duplicity and gets over being pissed off, he just might see your
resourcefulness and management potential and promote you. He can always kill
you later. Meanwhile, enjoy the additional benefits. You deserve them.