The Joker's Views: Secret Service could have been a little more "secretly serviced".

"...and for another $100, you get balloon animals..."

Goooood morning Arkham and welcome to day 1200 of the nonstop campaigning season....ur....decade.
Ha, Ha, Ha, HAAAA!  It's like watching The Riddler running against challenger Mayor McCheese.
Romney is so out of touch with the real world, he actually tried to accuse Obama of having a black baby.
Cheney almost blew out his brand new heart, screaming, "He's got TWO, you idiot!"

We've got a couple of new residents here at Arkham. Word has it they were once Secret Service...of course that's no secret around here. We haven't gotten too much out of them yet, except for random outbursts like, "I should have just paid the bitch!"

Of course, Obama is personally responsible. Like his critics suggest, if there had been more female agents, they wouldn't have had to resort to hookers...wait, what?  Hey, it's a JOKE! It was just hanging out there...kind of like a Secret Service agent's penis in Columbia. BOOM!!! And society thought I was crazy...

You wouldn't see Ted Nuggent doing that sort of thing. Hey, Ted! Ted!! Come over here for a minute. Would you ever consider stiffing a prostitute? Put that gun down and let me rephrase that....No, no, no, don't shoot Killer Croc, that'll  just piss him off. That's not a real pistal anyway, bozo.

I'm not sure Arkham is getting through to that boy. He still thinks a handgun is a sexual aid. But, at least he's only into ....SELF STIMULATION!!! AH, HAA, HAAA! Well, that's it for me...my meds are kicking in. Goodnight Arkham. Ain't it good to know that the society that put you in here is crazier than you are.

Woo Hoo!

It's funny how the further we are from the mid-term elections, the saner all of us Arkham inmates appear. At this rate, I'll be Presidential material by 2012. First, I need to become a small business owner, just to get the tax break.

Wooo, Hooo, Hooooo!

Glenn Beck Joins Insane Clown Posse

Woo Hoo Hoooooooo, Good evening, Arkham! Have I got breaking news for you. Tonight's dessert is rice pudding with a healthy dose of salt peter. And in other breaking news, Glen Beck makes a startling announcement.

Apparently after his incredibly successful “Restoring Honor” gathering, Beck is ready to take a stab at a “Gathering of the Juggalos” as the newest member of Insane Clown Posse. After first mistaking “The Juggalos” for a strip joint, Beck entered into negotiations with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to become “Clueless G”. “I’m looking forward to getting my message out at ICP’s annual Halloween festival at the Fillmore Detroit,” said Beck. When asked if the recent attack on Tila Tequila gave him any reservations about being on stage surrounded by a crowd of violent Juggalos, Beck snickered and waved his hand dismissively. “First of all, I don’t drink anymore so I don’t give a flip about Tequila. Second, I’m sure these rambunctious kids are just having a good time, just like the framers of The Constitution.”

Beck insists that he can “sling poop with the best of them,” and praised ICP’s conversion to Christianity. “The Dark Carnival is now bathed in the glorious light of salvation,” Beck gushed into the microphone. But according to sources behind the scenes, the addition of Beck is causing a few technical difficulties. “Violent J wasn’t real happy with Beck’s Ronald-McDonald- in-a -tin-foil-hat costume,” said one source. Reportedly Violent J had to be physically restrained from beating the crap out of Beck with a microphone after taking one look and uttering, “Aw, HELL Naw!” He was later calmed down by Shaggy 2 Dope reiterating,” We need him,” and Beck was allowed to keep his outfit provided he wore a giant Styrofoam penis.

Organizers of the Halloween event are being particularly closed mouth about what exactly Beck is expected to do on such short notice. But, chatter on ICP message boards suggest a rather nefarious motive behind Insane Clown Posse’s inclusion of Beck in their act. “Two words: human sacrifice,” said one Juggalo who declined to be identified. When asked specifically about those allegations, Shaggy 2 Dope responded with a string of expletives that loosely translated into, “Good golly, no. What kind of people do you think we are?”

In related news, Deleware Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell has announced that she'll be joining the female version of ICP for a road tour along with Sarah Palin and Arizona governor Jan Brewer. Tentatively named the "Insane Clown Pussy" tour, the circus is expected to roll into your town like a band of gypsies sometime before November. O'Donnell initially planned on flying in for appearances on her broomstick, but opted out because she didn't want to be mistaken for masturbating. According to one supporter, "I just can't wait to watch them all pile out of that little clown car of a political platform".

And that's the news....ALL of it. Goodnight Arkham. Sleep while you still can. AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

The Joker's Show Tunes: "Obama is a Muslim"

Hello Arkham;

Ever since we lost our cable suscription, things have been pretty damned boring around here. So Dr. Crane has asked me to put together a talent show to keep you goons amused. Unfortunately, a talent show requires...talent. Which none of you obviously have, else you wouldn't be in here, AH, HAA, HAAA! Chumps.

But in a futile attempt to dreg up something remotely resembling talent, I've decided to start it all off. Being the political animal I am, I've decided to address the political issues of the day with a song. OK, I stole the tune from Guns and Roses "Welcome to the Jungle," but I highly doubt they'd want to risk suing a psychopath like me. it's called, "Obama is a Muslim". And it goes something like this...

(guitar intro by Bane)


Quit milking it, Bane!

1-2-3-4!

Obama is a Muslim!
It ain’t what he claims.
He’ll pretend to be everything you want.
But, you can watch him change.
He has the people who can hide,
His birth certificate.
He’s like a freaking Gremlin.
Never get him wet.

Born in Kenya.
He was born in Kenya
He’s a…m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on what you read!


Obama is a Muslim!
That’s what people say.
He also is the AntiChrist,
And I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
I heard he’s part Japanese.
Has a fatal disease.
He's stockpiling honey,
'Cause he's gonna kill the bees!

Born in Kenya
He was born in Kenya
He’s a… m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Muslim, Muslim!
Depending on who you heed.


Obama is a Muslim.
Reverend Wright be damned.
That whole Chicago church attendance
Was how we were scammed.
He has never eaten pork.
He bowls just like a dork.
He shoves bean pies in his mouth
And he doesn’t use a fork.


Chorus

And when you're Muslim you never,
Ever eat ham, or sausage, or bacon, no poooooooork!


We know who you are.
You're a Muslim, baby!
You're gonna convert!

He’s a Muslim!
Obama is a Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n knees, knees!
He’s a Muslim,
Obama is a Muslim!
Behold my, my…my venting spleen
He’s a Muslim,
He’s a hidden Muslim.
We’re gonna bring him to his…n n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n, knees, knees!
Yeah, a Muslim,
That dude is a Muslim.
He’s the man with the Koran and
He’s gonna bring you down!
Ha!

Import_Dysfunction Junction

What's on your playlist? Here's what I'm listening to while I clean off pelicans in the Gulf.

Import_Dysfunction Junction

Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any of this material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.

The Joker's News

Good evening Arkham;

Last week, the chap who hacked Palin’s email account during her VP run was convicted of being an idiot. Since he apparently pled insanity, he’ll probably be popping up in HERE any day now. That’s not the funny part. What’s funny is that the person whose privacy was violated went on Facebook a few days ago to reiterate her pro-drilling position. Ah, yes....Facebook, that bastion of personal privacy. Ah, ha, haa, haaa! As for her pro-drilling stance, well, that’s a personal preference based on logic, careful consideration and specific circumstances. Yeah, I crack myself up sometimes! That’s....why...I’m in here!

Meanwhile, delivering a speech in Missouri, Palin urged the country to trust the oil industry. And why not? You trust our investment institutions even after they crashed the market with bogus investment vehicles and borrowed your money to give themselves bonuses. Seems perfectly logical to me. It’s like a restaurant that spills a bowl of soup all over your table, blames the busboy, brings you another one and jacks up the price. Clean up is extra.

Of course, I think Palin comes off better on Facebook and Twitter. Those live performances sometimes lead to unexpected ad-libbing to prove she's tough-minded. Like when she lifted her leg, let loose a fart and remarked, “Wow, sounds like somebody stepped on a baby seal.” But, leading the crowd in a rousing version of, “200,000 Gallons of Oil in the Gulf” was entirely worth the entry fee: “200,000 gallons of oil in the Gulf, 200,000 gallons of oil....you clean one up, cup by cup....210,000 gallons of oil in the Gulf...” And for the foreseeable future, that’s a song that never ends. Try getting that out of your head.

I’m not certain if she’s a mainstream candidate for the presidency yet, but the Tea Party sure seems to like her. Apparently, all that “Mavrickey stuff” is working for her. Only time will tell. But, in the wake of the coal mine and oil drilling disasters, I hear tell that a faction of the Tea Party is actually joining forces with the Far Left to push an alternate energy agenda. And they already have contentions with each other. One wants to encourage development wind and solar energy to wean us away from burning oil and coal....and the other wants to replace the oil and coal with books. More on this story as it develops...ah, ha, haa, haaaa!

$arah Palin $cores!

She jumps, she shoots, she SCORES! Big bucks. Nothing wrong with making a profit, afterall. But, I'd like Katie Couric to ask her what charities she gives to...just to see the fireworks. That would be like calling her a socialist....