The Joker's Blues Clues--About Obama's Inauguration

Greetings Arkham—

OK, the last thing I remember was being heavily sedated on election night and put in my cell...that was a Tuesday, I think...then waking up on a Wednesday. Pretty typical only it was 18 months later! What the hell happened? I missed the inauguration and everything. While I was “out of office” so to speak, a few people actually got released from this place. The good news, one of them was Clark Kent. The bad news….now he’s working for FOX. At least Peter Parker is working for MSNBC, so the insanity just balances out. Woo hoo, hooooo!
I’m in the process of catching up with everything that has gone on for the past year and a half. But, trying to put it all into perspective on the basis of news reporting is getting to be a bit tedious to say the least. Below are two accounts of the same inauguration. Guess which one Clark wrote…ah, ha, ha, haaaa!

January 21, 2009
(Washington)--President Obama’s inaugural festivities eclipsed even the most hyperbolic expectations yesterday as everybody who was somebody stopped by to celebrate his political sainthood. George Clooney and Aston Krutcher teamed up to punk guest celebrities Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by having fake D.C. policemen pull them over and furiously frisk Angelina while Brad watched angrily. While having Brad tazed may have been a little over the top, even Brad had to lighten up because of the magic in the air and the secret service guns to his head.

“Has-Beens” and “Never-Have-Beens” alike locked arms and sang Kumbaya by the reflecting pool near the Lincoln Memorial as they ignored the rampant violence characteristic of Washington rampaging through the crowd. Gangs of unemployed financial district workers robbed spectators in their version of a personal bailout; but even that didn’t ruin the sheer exhilaration running through the audience like dysentery. Stevie Wonder miraculously regained his sight in time for his duet with Whitney Houston, mysteriously cured of her crack addiction after hearing Obama’s voice.

The biggest surprise of the entire inaugural was when Jesus Christ showed up with his ukulele and sat in with U2. Despite a short lived tiff between Bono and Christ, the two put aside their personal Messiah complexes and rocked out in celebration of the only person bigger than either of them: Obama. The Devil even cut short a business trip to Georgia to sit in with his golden fiddle. The Dali Lama entertained the crowd between acts with one of the most hilariously outrageous comedy routines since Lenny Bruce...whose ghost was also there working concessions.

Even at this immaculate event, there were few snafus. The ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. addressed the event via Ouija Board, spelling out, “I had a dream...” but being interrupted by the wise-ass ghost of Malcolm X who added, “...that I killed Whitey,” before losing the connection. The Four Horsemen caused a serious stir riding down Pennsylvania Avenue in full End-of-World regalia, scattering the panicked crowds. Many still returned in time to hear President Obama address the multitudes...then feed them from a few loaves of bread and fish left behind by the departing Bush Administration.

Finally, as Obama arose into the night sky and into the White House on a cloud, the audience lit lighters in honor of his ascension. And Obama looked down and saw it was good.

...on the otherhand, things ain’t quite so rosy from another perspective...

(Washington)—Socialist, terrorist minion of the AntiChrist, Barrack Hussein Obama, defiled the very same Bible the tyrant Lincoln did in 1861 when he was sworn in, heralding yet another black day in American history. Summoning Cerberus, the three-headed hell-hound currently going by the name Aretha Franklin, to howl “My Country Tis of Thee” and open the Gates of Hell, Obama brought forth a multitude of demon thralls like Springsteen and U2 to spread the unholy cacophony across the nation.

On a January day so cold that Hell itself froze over, millions of Americans found themselves suddenly under the thumb of an oppressive, godless dictator of the likes the world has never seen. Even the ghost of Hitler trembled in the presence of the Evil One as he turned the thermostat in Hell down, laughing manically. “They said a black man would become president only when Hell froze over…well, that’s today motherf*ckers,” he said before placing his hand on the Bible and being sworn in. As he officially became the 44th President of the United States, the Bible burst into flames, while The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode across the sky heralding the End of the World.

Mothers clutched their children to their breasts and their husbands gnashed their teeth, helpless to defend their families against the foreign-born enemy of America who had just come to power. Seated at his throne in the White House, the evil and inept Obama gloated as Bill Clinton, who had only a few months earlier had suggested that Obama would have been bringing HIM coffee a few months before that...brought The Evil One coffee. Taking one sip, The Wicked Witch Doctor spit it back into his face, bellowing, “CREAM??? You fool, you know how I like my coffee...BLACK!” Pleading for his life, Bill was dragged away by his heels into the coliseum for the evening’s festivities. To add insult to injury, Obama ordered that Hillary be bathed and brought to his quarters later that evening.

His first decree as President was to have all white people taken to concentration camps, from this day forth to be referred to as “Plantation Re-Education Camps”. His next decree was to replace the country’s wheat and corn crops with cotton...so they’ll have something to pick. Riding through D.C. in the belly of “The Beast”, his pimped and armored Cadillac with gold spinning rims, Obama dissolved The Constitution and proclaimed The False Prophet Rev. Wright as his official spokesman. “Ya’ll thought he was crazy before, just wait until he starts sacrificing virgins, yo!”

The Joker: Redux

I'm back. Because you people just won't shut the hell up....

The Post-Traumatic Election Blues

Well, it's November 4th and the long, hard slog to the election is finally over. Now comes the hard part of keeping the peace. What that means at Arkham is they'll be sedating us and putting us all back into our cells...not to mention me losing my internet privileges. So there IS good news for some of you out there.

Now as we settle in with whichever Fearless Leader fate has thrown our way, just one final public service announcement. Nothing you can say or do will change the outcome of this election now. So rather than annoy 50% of the country with your bitching and moaning (and you know who you are), why not try this:



Good night Arkham, good night outside world and do come again. Or not.

A Few Pals Sharing a Warm Fire

2008 Campaign Issues for Dummies

For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there's welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. has released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, "Campaign Issues for Dummies". Using familiar icons as chapter headers, you'll be able to quickly locate the issue of your choosing. Read, be informed and remember to VOTE.


Job Outsourcing




If you live in a region heavy in manufacturing, then that sucking sound Ross Perot warned you about in 1992 is what you HEARD a few years ago as all your jobs relocated to Mexico. That sound you heard in 2000 was all the high tech service jobs relocating to India. The sound you hear NOW is the sound jobs in the financial and auto manufacturing sectors being sucked down a blackhole. The next sound you will hear is the WHOOSH of low-wage food service jobs rushing in to fill the void.

If you are a voter concerned about job creation versus job outsourcing, then you should select a candidate with no ties to Big Business, Ivy League schools, Old Money or Secret Societies.

If you are a voter unopposed to globalism, who keeps money in offshore accounts, and neither has nor needs a job, you should select a candidate based solely on the tax-breaks and their unabashed agenda of appeasement of the rich

If you are a voter who has learned Spanish as well as perfected the art of cooking with cumin, you should select a candidate with enough global vision not to wear out America's welcome before you get there.

Military Spending

If you are a voter who doesn't mind spending $8.9 billion on a missile defense system that doesn't work, then you should select the candidate with the highest gullibility factor.

If you are a voter who thinks that defense spending should be drastically cut, you should select the candidate with the LEAST amount of travel in the 3rd World.

If you are active duty military, reserves or national guard, on your third tour in a combat zone with dependents on food stamps and eating canned spinach, you should vote out the incumbent as a warning to the rest.



Education


If you are an Ivy-League educated voter with a child in private school, you should vote for the candidate who favors spending taxpayer money on vouchers for private schools that keep out the riff-raff.

If you are a voter with children in public school, you should vote for the candidate who favors increased education spending without accountability or performance goals.

If you are a teacher, you should consider a second job, and select the candidate who went to public schools and state college.



Medicare


If you fall into the 18-34 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who declines using this issue to raise your taxes.

If you fall into the 35-65 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who guarantees that Medicare won't go completely broke by 2019.

If you fall into the 65 and up demographics, you should apply for Canadian citizenship.


Gun Control





If you are an avid fan of the 2nd Amendment, you should join the NRA and vote for the candidate they tell you. Afterall, they've got all the guns

If you're an advocate for gun control, you should stay out of redneck bars in Montana and vote for whomever Michael Moore endorses.

If you're more of a pragmatist than a single-issue voter, you should vote AGAINST any candidate that makes this a hot button issue. But, keep your head down.


War on Terror




If you believe the United States has a moral obligation to lead the fight in the War on Terror, even if it means acting unilaterally, then you should select the candidate with a "shoot-from-the-hip" attitude who is most likely to "smoke 'em out and get 'em running," without the need for time-consuming activities such as "good planning."

If you believe the United States should work and cooperate with other nations to sustain steady pressure, including military action, on rogue nations who support and sponsor terrorism, without getting over-extended, then you should select the candidate with the most actual combat experience.

If just want to end this thing by any means necessary, so that no terrorist organization would dare attack U.S. targets again for fear of a fate worst than death, you should select the candidate with organized crime ties.




Wartime Leadership




If you are a voter who finds it comforting to have a leader during wartime that reminds you of the your rich, spoiled fraternity brother you really couldn't count on, you should select the candidate who has lost the most brain cells due to substance abuse.

If you are a voter who favors decisive, informed leadership through the darkest times, and the ability to abandon failed policies in favor of new, adaptive strategies, while enduring the prolonged uncertainty and stress of war, you should select a candidate with P.O.W. experience.

If you are a voter that favors world domination during the post-war reconstruction, you should select a multi-billionaire megalomaniac industrialist with extensive monopoly experience.


Same Sex Unions


If you are a voter who feels that another people's personal rights somehow cheapen your own, and advocate adding a 28th Amendment which (unlike most other amendments) works to limit personal liberties, then you should vote for the candidate furthest right on the zealot scale.

If you are a voter who believes that the "granting of rights" is the primary purpose of an amendment, and are not diminished in any way by the personal lives of others, you should select a candidate with relatives who lead alternative lives.

If you are a voter reluctant to express your personal convictions either way for fear of mob violence, vote AGAINST any candiate who makes this a hot-button issue.

The Environment



If you are a voter who advocates the wholesale destruction of any environmental object that stands in the way of industrial progress and your ability to secure sufficient oil supplies to meet the needs of your Hummer, you should select a candidate who can skillfully misinterpret scientific data, and has the most inclination to arbitrarily adjust environmental standards.

If you are a voter who feels strongly about the preservation of the environment, and desire legislation to outlaw the exploitation of wilderness areas for any reason, you're out of luck. You should have supported Kucinich when you had the chance.

If you are a pragmatist who seeks balance between technology and nature, you should select a candidate who is NOT from a large east or west coast urban area.

If you’re an analytical sort who questions the real significance of global warming when faced with possible reduced sunspot activity, you’re too damned smart to vote for any of these clowns.

The Joker's Views: Political Bumper Stickers

Good evening Arkham! As we head into the final month of campaigning before we select our preferred method of Apocalypse, I think it is vital that we fully understand just how thoroughly screwed we are! From what I can gather from the outside world, the stock market plunged 777 plus points today, and the economy is so banged up, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen is asking Congress to have it “humanely put-down”. I guess he figures he'll at least get a "dead cat bounce" out of the whole thing.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan not only expressed his exuberant delight at being “retired”, but also speculated that even gravity is going to be out of work before this is all over. That explains the hundreds of Wall Street execs jumping off buildings now to beat the slowdown.

Be that as it may, all you people who are currently not incarcerated still have to vote. All the arguments about who is and who is not fit to lead and/or be vice-President remind me of the scene in “Julius Caesar" where Anthony and Octavius argue about the suitability of the “older” Lepidius. I overheard them talking about it down by the rec room just this morning:

"Yeah, well, you can think what you want, but Lepidius is a tried and true solider, and dependable.”

"So's my freaking horse! And all he gets is hay and a pasture to run around in. Why don't we just make him part of the ruling council, too?"

And the debate goes on. Likewise, in a rush to reflect the voter’s newly emerging concerns about which candidate gets to take over the asylum, a new crop of political bumper stickers are hitting the market. Perot had one ready to go months ago...unfortunately he was in HERE and not considered a legitimate contender. But, I think his bumper sticker suggestion, “That sucking sound you hear is you, Sucker!” is a sure winner...unlike him in 1996. But the world just wasn’t ready for Yosemite Sam for president back then. Now that the Age of Jethro is almost over, who knows...perhaps Perot might still find himself the Master-Blaster over whatever wasteland is left after the financial dust settles. But, really, who WANTS to run Barter Town after all that? There won't be anything left to barter with....AH, HA, HA, HAAAA!

The Joker's Fuse: Countdown to Oblivion

We’re finally back at Arkham after being evacuated to New Orleans in front of hurricane Gustav. They called it a “vacation”, thinking that shipping us INTO the danger zone might serve as a little attitude adjustment. You can imagine Aquaman’s disappointment when the storm veered west. He’s a swimming fool. I really do believe that big Cajun could have escaped in the storm surge if Gustav had hit, but he certainly can’t walk very far. And I’m a little skeptical about him being able to talk to fish, but who am I to hold being an Obama supporter against him? Enough about us, how was YOUR holiday?

In politics, this election season is about as lucid and comprehendible as an episode of “LOST”. So far, it’s been a good, a bad and an ugly week for McCain at the convention. First the good: General Zod is out and the shape-changing Mystique a.k.a. Sarah Palin is in as his running mate, milking the angst created by the DNC like snake venom. The Democratic Convention was like a mummy pissing gasoline…the fuse was just hanging out there anyway, and all it took was one, little spark…

So what if Palin has some “personal” family issues? I had family issues, and look how well I turned out, so please go on. She’s embroiled in an investigation involving the firing of a public safety commissioner ? Ooooo, a take charge kind of woman, plus everybody likes a little intrigue. So far so good. She fishes, shoots guns and wrestles moose. Yeah, baby, there’s just no downside to this Sarah Palin. AH, HA, HA, HA, HAAA!

Now, the bad: that public safety commissioner says he was fired for failing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Zod would have torn him limb from limb, so at least she’s a “compassionate conservative”. But it’s still not going to play too well in the union states. She also left the small town she was mayor of $20 million in debt. Big deal, they can always move and, yes, Bush economic policies are no longer a deal killer after the past 8 years. But Bush’s approval rating is such a drag, Eddie Murphy tried to pick it up last night. Better release Bush directly to DVD during the convention.

Finally, the ugly: after preparing to suspend much of the convention in lieu of photo-ops from a devastated New Orleans, Gustav shrunk and dodged like a drunk sailor seeing Anne Rice in the light for the first time. Suddenly, we’re back to, “Bush, you’re on in 5-4-3-2-1….ACTION. And somebody change Cheney’s plutonium battery, he’s on next.” Rather than diverting direct questions about Palin by being cloaked in a disaster, McCain’s handlers now have to answer every question with, “That’s a personal matter, but let me tell ya, she’s more qualified than Obama.”

This still distracts from the fact that the vetting process is looking a little shaky, kind of like a last minute date before prom night. “Hello, Condi, wanna be my date? No? Well, screw you, I’m taking a REAL fox.” Then McCain ends up drunk calling all the numbers in his black book until someone answers, and shows up with the girl from “Carrie”. No disrespect for “Carrie” by the way…she’s here in Arkham, too and still plenty pissed about the Democratic Convention. But when you get back at the guy who dumped you on prom night by getting drunk and sleeping with a creep you never liked before…you’ve got one hell of an awkward moment waiting the next morning. But by then the election will be over and you’ll take the “walk of shame” all the way back home. The GOP can probably pull this off unless the National Enquirer has pictures of McCain and Palin clubbing baby seals.

Even then it won’t matter. Obama didn’t even get a bounce after the convention, women are defecting to the GOP, a former rural mayor has more political clout than a former First Lady, hurricanes refuse to cooperate and cats are sleeping with dogs. It’s a political apocalypse! And while many defectors from the Democratic Party will be waking up next to another “old man” after election day, Obama will awaken nursing an election hang-over from the stale cask of Amontillado he’s been drinking out of since the nomination. He’ll still try to take the express elevator to 2012 but soon find himself walled in by political oblivion, laid brick by brick by Hillary’s Hoards. Similarly, they’ll turn in time to find themselves chained to the wall and the last brick being put in place on ideals they set aside for the sake of vengeance. “Why so serious?” the GOP changlings will ask just before the darkness falls.

As Palin and McCain silently stroll hand-in-hand towards the light, they’ll hear one last conversation between the two walled in factions of the once formidable Democratic party, reduced to Fortunato waiting for his Amontillado : "Ha ! ha ! ha ! - he ! he ! - a very good joke indeed - an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo - he ! he ! he ! - over our wine - he ! he ! he !" Run again in 2012? Maybe, but, if you’re using a Mayan calendar, it should all be over by then. The GOP certainly can’t match Gustav in the wind department, but they sure have it on spin. And this political train-wreck provides more suspense than most of the fall line-up put together. But, I’m not worried. I’m an inmate at Arkham and a two-dimensional construct used as a vehicle for satire. But, all of you out there…should be in here. Because you f**kers ARE crazy! AH, HA, HAA, HAAA, HAAA!