Friday, July 27, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Serena Williams to be new “Spokes-Butt” for Vaseline
Serena Williams has been selected to
be the…um….”New face of Vaseline” the corporation announced today. “We are
pleased to have Serena bring her…er…huge assets to our marketing effort,” said
Marketing VP of the Vaseline corporation Ron Jeremy. Jeremy, a huge
former star in his own right, is reputed to be the only marketer in the
business that can properly exploit Serena's massive talent and hit pay dirt in
the aggressive marketing push. “It's called product positioning," said
Jeremy. "We are confident that Serena’s juicy, well-rounded appeal with
the male demographics aged 18-65 will allow us to slip into that currently
tight skin care market. Once we get full market penetration, sales should
loosen up! Then we can really pound the advertising until the seed money is
exhausted.” Serena's secret strategy of simulated sodomy is expected to create
big, bulging bonuses for all sales executives before the year’s end.
Williams is thrilled by the
prospect of being the first person people think about when they hear the word,
“Vaseline”. “I’m excited to have a company with this kind of drive
standing behind me,” said Serena. “I’m going to spread my talent as far as I
can to pump-up the bottom-line. It’s going to be hard enough for them to
finally slip into that niche, but if we keep on pushing, we can take it all the
way”.
Corporate executives are
aching to do just that. “We’re going to drive as hard as we need to get in,”
said a senior executive who declined to be identified. And Serena is looking
forward to all the attention.
“I’ve been begging for it for years.
Now it’s time to finally notice the vast talent I’ve been sticking in people’s
faces.” Marketing experts generally agree that once Vaseline gives Serena the
proper coverage, it’ll be that much easier to pop into the lucrative skin care
market through the backdoor.
There are rumors that Serena
is thinking of leaving professional tennis altogether and opening up her own
ass…that is…ad agency to all comers. It is said she is in talks to endorse such
products as suppositories, hemorrhoid medications and Kleenex to name a few.
”I’ve got enough of all this for everybody,” she said giggling, slapping her
buttocks with her hand while a mechanical bird came out of her butt like a
cuckoo clock.
One potential ad features a Dodge
Ram pickup pulling a John Deere tractor up a long dirt road towards a peaceful
pasture as Serena looks on wearing only a bra and thong panties. As she leans
further and further over the railing, the voice over suggests: “When you
absolutely, positively have to get that entire back 40 plowed by sundown.”
No one is really sure what product the ad is pitching just as long as
Serena is catching.
Labels:
Booty Bonanza,
Erotic Humor,
Risqué,
Serena Williams,
Vaseline
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Suicide Squad Voters Ponder 2016
"Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight? Then YOU'RE FIRED!" |
"You like me. You really like me! Whoa put down that ax Bernie..." |
There's more infighting going on in both parties than this season's Big Brother. The level of the rhetoric is a little bit lower though. The Penguin and I were having a discussion the other day....well what passes for a discussion with that disgusting, arrogant motherfucker! Just what kind of bumper sticker does either party distribute without totally losing their last shred of dignity?
"Trump: There We Said It What More Do You Fucking Want?"
"Hillary: At Least She's White!"
"Trump: Guaranteed To Save America Or No Money Back."
"Hillary: Lots of Junk in The Trunk But At Least She Ain't Trump!"
"Trump: The Self Loathing Choice You'll Have To Live With The Rest of Your Life"
"Hillary: Providing Bloodless Castration Since 1992"
"Trump: Ummmmm....I'll Just Sit This One Out!"
"Hillary: Did You Get The Email?"
AhHaHaHaaaaHaaaaaa!!!!! Goodnight Arkham and God save America!
Labels:
Clinton,
Democrats,
Dooms Day,
End of The World,
Joker,
Republicans,
Trump
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Bangladeshi Woman Rescued After 17 Days Buried in the Rubble Told to “Get Back to Work!”
Only 1 in 10,000 Bangladeshi railroad switchmen actually make it to retirement. |
Bangladeshi
rescuers pulled a garment worker alive from the rubble of a building 17 days
after the collapse and immediately ordered her back to work. Referring to her time
buried alive as “17 days unauthorized vacation”, the garment factory she works for transferred her to another
facility to begin paying off the time. The rescued woman who goes by the single
name of Reshma told reporters as she was transported by ambulance to her new job that she already works 20 hours a day for 15 cents an hour.
“Thank goodness
for the raise, else I’d never pay off my vacation time,”
she praised her good
fortune. “I was saving up for a last name but, hey,
shit happens! That’s what savings
are for.” Management that’s currently
not incarcerated declined interviews, but
did issue a statement, which said
in part, “Looks like Reshma’s going to be
putting in some serious overtime for a while.”
Ironically, Reshma suffered fewer injuries
being buried alive than she normally suffers on the job. The seamstress told a
local Bangladeshi television station that she stayed alive by drinking bottles
of water scattered in the rubble and eating dried food from the backpacks of
the deceased. Local authorities in turn
charged Reshma with thief of private property and ordered her to fully
reimburse the survivors of the dead relatives and the building owners. “We
refuse to turn a blind eye to this kind of blatant theft. What kind of society
would that make us?” said a law enforcement official that declined to be
identified.
It has also been reported that government rescuers will be reimbursed for pulling Reshma from the debris. When informed that her health care coverage did not cover "rescues", she replied incredulously, "What? I have health care?"
It has also been reported that government rescuers will be reimbursed for pulling Reshma from the debris. When informed that her health care coverage did not cover "rescues", she replied incredulously, "What? I have health care?"
Reshma said she was anxious to start in her
new dead-end position at the death trap across town in Dhaka to begin paying
off her massive debt. “The Americans depend on me to provide them with cheaply
priced clothing to perpetuate the illusion that inflation is flat. I can’t let
them down!” she said. And even though her 17-day vacation left her less rested
and refreshed than she might have wished, she declared, “It was still better
than a Carnival Cruise.”
Labels:
17 days,
Bangladesh,
Reshma,
sweatshops
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Tie the Entitlements to the Tracks!
"Technically social security is an investment not an entitlement. Hell, who am I fooling, I'm gonna tie you to the tracks anyway!" |
Sure, Barry tied you there himself as part of a charm campaign to woo Republicans to compromise on the budget. All the GOP did was say, "Hey, sure! Here's a rope." Barry can stop painting the GOP as "Snidely Whiplash" in budget negotiations all he wants, but it doesn't help them shake that cape, top hat and whip mustache image. And they're sticking to it! But, after seeing the overview of the budget, the only image that came to my mind was Snidely Whiplash punching Obama in the face with his own fist saying, "Why are you hitting yourself?" Does this guy even have a posse anymore?
Besides cutting Social Security and Medicare by revised calculation, Obama's "miscalculation" was assuming the GOP would do anything other than take the cuts and say "No" to that little tax hike part. Is this change we can believe in? What the GOP appears to have proven here is that if they say something long and loud enough, YOU will do it for them. But, it's a charming gesture, typing us to the tracks like that, so THEY wouldn't have to...WOO HOO HOO!!
Labels:
gop,
medicare,
Obama,
snidely whiplash,
social security
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
If I Only Had a Brain
"It might be ill-advised to set an arbitrary deadline no one intends to adhere to!" |
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